Missing pieces

Providing the missing pieces to our puzzle...
I thought about over the holidays how when I started this blog, my husband and I had decided in October to begin moving forward with a Domestic adoption after we had originally began an Et program with another agency in June. I decided to clarify how we came to the point of moving from one program to another because it was never really stated how we got there. I did not want it to appear that I was speaking in riddles in the blog, because I was not. Today, I decided to provide the missing pieces to the puzzle of how we arrived to where we are for those who are curious as to how or why we were led to move forward with a Domestic Adoption. Our original agency with the Et program was excellent at the time and our decision to move in a different way was truly spiritual.

Research:

We began our adoption journey by inquiring about local adoption agencies from friends and others in February of 2008. We made a few calls and had information sent to us from various agencies about their programs (domestic adoptions). As we received information and read information on the internet we were not comfortable with the whole possibility of having a semi-open adoption if we chose certain agencies that promoted this.
Without meeting with anyone or getting information, we came to our own conclusion that we were uncomfortable with this possibility and we thought, "Why would someone want to remain in contact and meet with the adoptive family on a regular basis?" The initial thought of it creeped me out and I was totally against the whole thing. All I knew formally was closed adoptions from adoptions in the past and that is all I knew. I had know idea that open adoptions or semi-open adoptions were the new thing with domestic adoptions. Then we talked with friends and family who had adopted via the state with a child, meaning foster to adopt. My husband immediately told me that I did not have the patience to deal with a process that may take 1-2 years to be resolved with a baby and I probably would not be comfortable with all of the meetings that go on with this type of situation. I appreciated his honesty and he was correct at that point in time.


Although, I had supported and helped close friends and family members go through this with their adoptions, I later realized that when I was seriously thinking about adoption and proceeding with it, that it was not the route for me. This was not something that we agreed upon, because we were unsure whether or not this semi-open or open adoption meant "co-parenting." We were not in agreement with this type of adoption and we were not comfortable with the limited amount of information that we had at the time.

Fees:
The second thing that initially discouraged us from adopting was the sliding scale that one particular agency had. While their philosophy was good and people that we knew recommended them, we did not feel comfortable with the whole concept of the amount of the adoption being determined by the amount of our income together. Basically, everyone paid different amounts for their baby because it was according to their income and it just did not set well with us, but more so with my husband.
At this point, we were looking and searching for different agencies to inquire with about their domestic programs since that it is all we really knew at the time. During our research process, we came across international programs being advertised and specifically Ethiopia. I had never dreamed in a million years that I would be adopting a child from another continent and it was a wow feeling I had when we looked at some of the adoption stories. I remember one night I stayed up crying looking at blogs that were newly discovered to me that I found on the agencies websites. I watched the emotional stories of how families were united with their children that they waited so long for far away.



International:



We looked at some of the international programs and read information on line and decided to contact some of the agencies for information on their programs. The information came back quickly from the agencies and we continued to read and reasearch the process and hoped to meet someone who had adopted from Ethiopia. After looking at the program, and coming across someone who had adopted the previous year and speaking with them, I felt a little more comfortable and things were beginning to make sense. In addition, the Et program's cost was much more affordable than some of the other agencies we contacted initially regarding domestic adoptions. We were excited and we prayed about it and decided to move forward with a pre-application so that we could talk to someone from the agency up front.
We submitted our pre-application with the agency in April and had a nice informative telephone conference where we had all of our questions answered regarding the adoption program with Ethiopia. We took a month to talk about it some more and we decided that this was where we were being led and we decided to go ahead and purchase an application to begin our progress at the very end of May. Right after we purchased the application, we also had the opportunity to attend a local information session with another agency out of Minnesota that had an Ethiopia adoption program.
They were also very informative, however we decided to move forward with the agency that we chose to begin with. We were eagerly working on the paperwork so that we could meet our check lists for our to do list for the agency. Things were going great. We were receiving emails on a regular, we were assigned a contact person that handled this phase of our process and we were invited in on conference calls. Our goal was to have the initial paperwork all completed and begin working on the dossier over the summer since my schedule was not as busy. We began making small purchases and laying away basic baby items for a 6 month old baby, since we knew that the majority of the babies are between 6-9 months old when they return. We wanted to take our time making purchases and we decided on an infant girl. My parents had asked us if they could come along on the Ethiopia journey with us to get their first grandchild and we were so excited because that would be an awesome journey together.



Paths crossing:

In June 2008, we had our last chapter meeting for the summer break, and a few of us were leaving at the same time and I was introduced to another Soror in my chapter (which is a large chapter). We were all talking outside in the parking lot with the mutual friend and the conversation ended up talking about kids and I ended up sharing with her that we had recently decided to adopt internationally. I went through a quick spill sharing with her that we had researched xyz agencies locally and what made us uncomfortable. She then shared with me that she adopted her child only a couple of years back from a local agency that I was referred to but I did not follow up on getting information. She told me to call her so that we could talk if I had any questions or decided to adopt domestically in the future. I was already set on Ethiopia! So, I thought, no turning back now. However, I found out later that God places people into your paths for reasons.



Feelings that could not be explained:



We were so excited and eager to move forward and getting ready to send in our first half of the agency fees for the Et program. It was in July after we returned from a DC vacation that I began to have some different feelings. I did not know exactly where they were coming from and why I had a little bit of anxiety and concern over some things. Some of this was the result of conference calls and different things going on in the program at that time and other feelings were feelings that could not be explained and I needed guidance from God. I knew there would be a certain amount of uncertainty and roller coaster moments with an adoption, but I needed to address these feelings and pray for clarity. I knew that we were doing the right thing because God had planted the seed of adoption in my life at a very young age, and we wanted to be a parent to a child that would also be a blessing to us. I had grown up doing missionary work my entire life through the church and knew that going to Et to do mission work and adopt my child would be an awesome experience and something that we could do every so many years to take our child back to see their roots as well as plant the seed of mission work in them.



A time to be still and pray:



We decided after July that we would be still and pray to see where all of this was coming from and why. I was questioning, "Why would God lead me to Et and then place a sense of uneasiness within me?" This was such a confusing time. I shared it only with a few mutual friends and family and they advised us to be still and pray and listen for God's directions. I was so used to doing what I wanted to do regardless! This was a new season for me. I had to learn to be still and not be anxious.
Early August 2008, I was sitting in my office and an email came up on my blackberry from an agency that we were referred to back in the spring, but we did not attend their information session on domestic adoption. The email was from one of the intake coordinators who was basically stating that she had come across our file and noticed that we never came in for an information session. I sat there and I was frozen for a minute. I emailed her back and told her that we had proceeded with an international adoption, but we were in the initial stages and open to hear what they had. I told her my concerns and fears and she advised me that we needed to be informed about their program so that we can make decisions with the correct information. I also shared with her that I had a contact that had adopted through them and that sparked another conversation. Then in our conversation, we found out that she is classmates/line sisters (another organization- DST) with a neighbor in my neighborhood that I am friends with. I said small world and kept it moving, and didn’t think anything more of it. She continued to keep in touch with me and emailed us and sent us more literature. We agreed that we would come in and she scheduled us an appointment so that my husband and I could come in to learn about their domestic program. The appointment was made quickly.


September: New meetings


Early September, we had our meeting with the agency to talk with them. I was called on the day before the appointment and advised that we would not be meeting with the person that I had bonded with and made a connection with via phone and email, which was "H.". I was a little disappointed because I felt like I was going to have to get to know another person and tell our story over again. I got over it and said, well we are just going in to get information and I will still get to formally meet our other person. The agency was having some sort of audit or accreditation visit that week and their schedules were off a little. So, that is how we ended up meeting with another case worker to answer our questions.
Hubby and I arrived at the agency and met with the new person, "C". We sat in there and went through the program and we were able to ask and answer any questions that we had. Well, while we were in there we both stated our concerns with the possibility of semi-open and open adoptions with domestic. It was at that moment, that our new person decided to share with us her birth story as someone who was adopted when she was a baby. At the end of her story, we were all in tears, literally. She shared with us how ad valid concerns and how she had a closed adoption and she had to wait until adulthood, now in her thirties to find search and meet her biological family. During that discussion, some sort of way one thing led to another and I ended up mentioning that we were not from here, that I was a native of NC originally, I stated what country hubby was from. She later asked well what part of NC and then we got into all of that.
Long story short after that went back and forth for 2 minutes, we found out that she grew up in a small town where my parents are originally from. She was adopted by a local minister and his wife that we all knew and she went to high school with my uncle that is my age. My maternal grandmother was/is a minister there as well. We started naming out people there and she was so shocked because she says I have never run into anyone who has even heard of that place! We were looking at each other like what in the world and my husband was sitting there in amazement. Here we are states away from where we are from and making a connection. The ironic thing was that this was her last day with the agency. She was relocating back to NC since her mother (adoptive mother) was battling cancer in the final stages. So, we exchanged numbers and emails and she wanted to remain in contact with us although she was moving. She was going to be also doing the same thing back in NC. The cool thing is that she moved to the city where my parents are and we have remained in contact.


During this meeting we also discussed fees after going through all of the concerns, fears and questions on our part. She never underestimated our concerns and told us that they our feelings were valid and also advised us how the majority of the adoption situations that she has seen take place. She also asked us again were we interested in moving forward with the domestic infant program and we said yes we were interested but we wanted to think on it some more since we really had our hearts on Et and receiving our first daughter from Et.


We wanted to go home and think about and pray about it and share it with our close friends and family so that they could also pray for us. At the end of the visit, she shared with us that because we were adopting an AA baby or biracial baby that our fees would be subsidized through their program because they had a limited amount of AA families adopting AA babies and there is a strong need for AA families at this time. The fee reduction was significant, but it was not the overall determining factor for making a decision. We were truly set in our minds and hearts on going forward with the Et program.


We went home and I called my mother that evening and shared with her how our appointment went, because she was curious. She told me that she and my father had been in prayer for us with our adoption journey. I shared everything with her and told her that we were still confused because we were wondering why we were put in a position now to make a decision of where to go when both are great choices, because we are doing what is in his word.
However, the biggest thing that she said to me was listening to where He wants to you to go at this point and to know that God will move you from place to place, so not to think just because you are in one place that he will not move you. He will move you, and require you to be obedient until he sees that you are where you need to be. She also stated that God will provide for us, when we initially had concerns of how much the adoptions would cost. It may not be all in the form of money, but he will provide.


I was a little upset because we had spent money on an application and I felt that was being wasteful, but we could always return to the program if we decided to go with a domestic adoption. We were torn. However, everyone prayed for us during our times of confusion and we prayed for ourselves and truly followed God's lead, because it was Not where we initially wanted to go. Learning to be obedient taught us something big with this adoption process.
I shared with my parents and the few close friends that we had shared our adoption process with what had gone on, and all were definitely in agreement that God was leading us there for a reason. It was too many signs directly from God that we were there by divine intervention and not just by chance.

Paying attention to little things:

I happened to look at a yearly chapter picture one day that we had taken earlier in the year. It wasn’t framed yet and I just passed by it in my at home office. As I looked at the picture, I discovered who was standing beside me in the picture. Remember, the person that I was introduced back in June 2008 that I spoke of earlier. Well, the picture was taken earlier in the year I think, and we didn’t know each other at that time either. We were just all told to fill up the bleechers from top to bottom in no particular order. It is funny how we ended up having so much in common later and we were standing right beside one another during that photo session.


Ironically, when we went through our adoptive parent training, my friend’s birth parent was going to be one of the guest speakers at our orientation. However, the Birth mom ran into a schedule conflict that day. However the birth mom, she has a wonderful relationship with her child’s adoptive parents and a comfortable open relationship. I was thankful to my friend talking to me and easing my mind about domestic adoption and sharing her story and her experience. She had the initial concerns just as I did, but things have worked out beautiful for them and her child has been introduced to their birth family on occasion.

Listening to messages from God:
During our period of waiting and praying after the meeting. I heard a few significant things. One of the messages from our services back in the fall struck me as I was wondering what in the world is going on and how can I deal with this adoption decision that we are dealing with.


This is from a message from one of our early morning services last fall stated by our Bishop:
W.A.I.T.

W - Weather the storm ( All storms pass)
A - Anchor; Anchor in Jesus (Something stable)
I- Inspire other people while you wait. Find someone else to inspire and minister to. When you inspire someone else, you are sewing a seed.
T- Time; Give God time to work
They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.
I listened to this message on CD for an entire week and received a new message each day.

While I say all of this and provide the missing pieces to our puzzle itt came to me that all of us are going through different things as we are doing God's work. We each truly have a season for our own. While we would like for things to go according to our plans, we have to be obedient and listen to the plans that God has for us.


While my heart and mind was and still is in Ethiopia, I am being obedient because I know that God has the final plans. He does everything for each of us, for different reasons. Sometimes we have to stand alone or sometimes we can not be with others on their journeys because we each have a set purpose and time for our own journeys. I believe that what I have learned thus far in my journey is that I will be able to help the next person with the adoption anxiety an feelings of unease.




Where we are now:
With our adoption journey, I have had several friends and other AP’s tell us that it is truly divine and not a race. God has the child picked out for you and that is why we all have different time frames. He may be working on different areas in our lives first before he blesses us with the child. I asked my husband one day back in November, why did he think we were going through this process and waiting and changes. He told me that maybe God is making sure that I am really going to appreciate what he gives to us, this child, a gift. Many of us take for granted the gifts that we have been blessed with. I must admit, I have done it too. So, for now, we are in a domestic adoption, but we are praying that we will return to the Et program really soon. We believe that God has a special baby prepared for us there too.

We all adopt for the purpose of wanting to be a Parent. However, we all reach our desired country or program by different means. Some people have always had a desire to adopt a child from a particular place, some do not care what country, some desired one country but may have run into problems with the program and decided to switch to another program, and some may feel this is the best choice. No matter how we come to the decision, we are following our hearts desires, however, most importantly, we must be obedient in our walk as Christians.

In early December, I was listening to a Christian radio show one morning and I heard them say that many of us think that we are listening to God, but we are listening to ourselves because we put a thought and desire in our head and what we have fed ourselves to think that is the way God wants. When it is actually the flesh that we are listening to and not God.
So, who are you truly listening to, yourself or God? With anything in our lives, not just our adoption journey.