Well, for the first few months we were busy adjusting to having Little Miss. Sunshine in our lives. Everything was going great with her adjusting to her new preschool and new life. However, her mother felt the need to use the child to bounce back and forth as she felt whenever you did not do as she wanted you to do, when she said do it. Her mother has a sense of entitlement that I will never understand. It is as if we owe her something and we actually did her a favor by taking care of this child when she could not and still can't provide for her. So, long story short, Little Miss Sunshine is back living with her mother since late March. We were not about to be apart of her games. It is unfortunate that the child is caught in the middle of it, but her mother has rights, and all we had signed was guardianship which was notarized. The state that she came from was either full custody through the courts or temporary guardianship which is something that can be done with a notary or attorney. We did what we were supposed to do as Christians and we did the best we could while we had her.
We were not going to play games with her mom and be used financially at all. The child came back with us Christmas with the clothes on her back and that is all! We had to start from scratch and purchase everything for her to live a normal life and go to preschool. The next time that she comes in my home to live with us, it will be with court appointed papers. Period. It is too much on a child to be pulled out of loving and stable environment and thrown back into a situation where she can barely be taken care of and defend herself. It is unfortunate, however, this is the risk you take with helping out those you know without actual custody papers. My family, including my parents who were helping out with the other two when they could have pulled back from the entire situation since the mother really demonstrated some ignorant traits during this whole ordeal by acting disrespectful and not being appreciative of what we have done and for what my parents have done for her locally. She has stuck her foot so far down her throat that it is difficult for her to ask us for help now because she ran her mouth so much and really tried to prove a point by driving through several states to come pick up this child and take her back home and not provide for her in the correct manner. We have decided that the best thing to do is let her be without our help for now and let social services try to do their job and others are watching. It is unfortunate for the children that they have to go through such things at young ages, however, children do not chose their parents. However, I left a paper trail as I reversed the guardianship because I wanted to make sure all had the best interest for this child and I do not want anything to happen.
The moment that this child went back to her mother, I felt a sick empty feeling in my stomach and I was so sad for the child and so was my husband. She did not want to go and thought that we were giving her back to her mother because she was bad. We tried explaining to her that was not the case and that her mother wanted her. I do not think that I will ever forget the look that she had in her eyes as we drove her to the shopping center to meet her mother as she sat in her car seat.
However, we have communication with other people who advise us of what is going on and we also have social services involved. However, I am really not for sure if they are much help from what I have seen. It seems as though they are reactive instead of being proactive, especially when there is a history. So, for right now. Miss Sunshine is back home with her mother and two other siblings and one unborn baby sister on the way.
Another Twist:
Fortunately, we didn't fall for her request to adopt her unborn baby. She asked my husband and I in January if we would adopt her unborn child because she did not have any feelings for the baby and she knew I always wanted to adopt and have my own kids. She actually went to my parents first to tell them that she wanted to ask us to adopt her unborn baby due in June of this year. We did not entertain the thought at all.
Why? Because we have known her for 24 years and she is very unstable and adoption in her eyes meant telling someone else what to do with "her child" and constantly making her presence known and making someone feel like they owe her financially or in other ways forever and constantly bringing drama. I advised her that adoption was a serious thing and she needed to understand what it meant. I advised her that she would no longer be the legal parent of the child etc and explained to her the different areas of adoptions and openness. I also advised that it is not co-parenting or Foster care and that the adoptive parents would also chose the amount of communication and visits.
I never said anything again after that conversation in late January because I did not want her thinking that we were interested because we really were not. Although, we did have some family and friends who thought it could be a win win situation because we have known her and we know her history and we could have contact with her if we had questions regarding the baby's health etc and the kids would get to be around their siblings.
On the other hand, her children had/have a very close relationship with our family and it might would have been too close for comfort with them knowing that their baby sister is "Auntie's" baby etc, with how she handles things socially. We were not interested at all. Mostly due to what we know. It is a good thing that we did not take her seriously because it would have been an emotional roller coaster with her regarding an adoption.
The interesting part was she was running around telling people back in January in the city/state that I am from, where she resides, that my hubby and I were going to adopt her unborn child. We had stated "no such thing" and were not interested. It was kind of funny because a paternal relative of the child we were keeping told us that she advised them that we were adopting her "new baby" as if she were very proud that we were. It was kind of funny to us because we were amazed that she assumed we would want to adopt her baby and we never said we were interested. We only advised her of the adoption process and the seriousness of it. Now, I really knew what she would do if we would have committed.
My parents advised her to contact an agency to make an adoption plan and my mother even had a local contact could have talked with her, however, she was not interested. Which in turn let them know that she was not serious about making an adoption plan for the baby since we were the only ones she was interesting in. Within a month of asking us and talking about adopting her new baby, she was back to talking about keeping the baby and wanting us to bring Sunshine home to see her new baby sister when she is born in June.
I can only imagine what adoptive parents who go through this situation feel like when birthparents back out of their plan on the 9th day. I have read on peoples blogs, and it sounds like a horrible experience. Although, I knew better, because I knew this person very well and knew that even though she can not afford to parent 4 children at age 24, I also knew that she would keep the baby.
The positive thing is that while Little Miss Sunshine lived with us she learned a lot and we taught her what it was to be loved, cared for and what it was like to be in a secure environment. She actually gained two pounds in two and half months while living with us, which was great. She came to us underweight and was gaining and looking much healthier and catching up with her peers academically.
We saw Sunshine Easter Monday while we were visiting in my home state briefly when one of her paternal aunts brought her to see us at a McDonalds before we flew out later that evening because she felt like she needed to see us and know that it was okay. My husband and I told her that she can come stay with us anytime that she wants and that we loved her. She needed to hear that regardless of what her mother is trying to prove at this point. It is not over and more than likely she will be back with us in the future on more of a permanent basis sooner than we think.
My husband told me when she left that it didn't matter if we had three kids in the house of our own, that she would always have a place in our home if she needed to come stay with us on a permanent basis. Her clothing and toys are still in her bedroom and it looks like she still resides here in a sense. We were unable to send things back and did not feel comfortable sending all of her clothing back due to several different reasons. Those that have dealt with situations like this, know exactly why we couldn't send all of her clothing and what would happen. The sad thing is that her mother was obsessed with obtaining all of the new clothing that we had purchased when she decided to snatch her back. We advised her that we were not sending the clothing. We packed one big bag with her essentials and that was it. I did not want her clothing sold when she returned, so we sent only a few outfits, several shoes, under clothing, socks, T-shirts etc. Especially since mom was claiming that she had spent all of this money on clothing for her. We wanted her to own up to her talk and be responsible by taking care of her child. Plus, my husband and I wanted Sunshine to have new clothing for the school year for kindergarten that were in good condition if she did not return here or if she returned here we would not have to start from scratch again building a wardrobe.
So, at this point, we are praying for her and the rest of the kids that God keeps his eyes on them and protects them until something can be done in their favor.
Adoption:
As far as we go with our own personal adoption journey. We are back on track now. We had to take a break when she came to adjust to her and to focus on her needs. Things are still slow with the agency, however, they do not want us to leave and they are in constant contact. Some opportunities have come up in the past, however, the birthparents decided to parent the child. We are trying to be patient, although it is tempting to jump ship and go some where else! We gave ourselves a time limit and we know what we are doing.
Several of the adoption agencies in our state are very slow right now, even with AA infants. We have invested enough financially in a sense with the agency, that it is worth holding out a little bit longer. Yes, we get plenty of emails and referrals sending us to other agencies who would be glad to have us shown to families, however, we are trying to stay put right now due to a couple of different reasons.
We have also explored our county's system as well by attending an orientation that we were encouraged to attend by some other friends. The funny thing is that infants are also difficult to come by with the county as well, but you just never know what will happen. We are in a good place right now, and while it did not happen as quick as we may would have liked it to happen, we know that all things happens in God's time.
Each event that has occurred in our life has happened for a reason on this journey. We would like to think and know that when we do have a placement it is the "right baby" for us and the right situation and that it was truly ordained by God and not us manipulating things in the flesh out of impatience because what we thought would happen. We also do not want to be wasteful with our finances when we have invested and then many of the agencies the fees are even greater than all that we have invested. Currently, all we have to do is pay the placement fee once we have a favorable match if we stay with our current agency.
Anyway, here are a few pictures of Little Miss Sunshine the last day (in the mint green shirt and pajamas) she was at our home before we met her mom at a shopping center to return back to her home state on March 20th.
Her left eye looks kind of funny because we took her to the doctor the day before for a stye in her eye. So, the medication makes it look worse in the picture. The other pictures below the ones in early March and February.
Reading to her imaginary students before she had her hair shampooed!
March 20th, 2010
March 7th at the playground on a Sunday.
This was taken in February, one Sunday after church. She loved posing in that room.
This was taken in February. So much to say!
