Being Patient

Our Fingerprint appointment was scheduled for this afternoon at a particular government agency here. The lady at the office called this morning around 10:45am to inform us that the office is closing today at noon and she is having to cancel all of the afternoon appointments.

She said she was not aware that the office was closing early today and they are not open tomorrow, New Years Eve. We were up already in sweats (not dressed to go out) and we knew that we could make it, but we had to stop and get money orders from the bank for the fingerprinting agency and get the bank to notarize the fingerprint document to take in. We were hoping that we could have this taken care of today as scheduled since my husband is off today and tomorrow.

We rescheduled for later this week. Completing this adoption is very important to us, but it is a challenge sometimes when you feel as if others are not considerate of your schedule as well. I just wish that we were called a little earlier so that we could have taken care of this morning and called it a day.

We went round and round with her on the phone trying to find a time that we could both come back in since they close before most people get off work anyway, and I wanted this taken care of before I went back to work since my schedule is not so flexible. I guess the lady felt bad because she knew this was for an adoption process and she did try to work with us in terms of being flexible with rescheduling.

While the adoption is top priority and taking care of this is important, we still have jobs to go to and I have been trying to avoid missing any unnecessary time off work for additional appointments that can be taken care of during vacation. I am somewhat anal when it comes to sticking to schedules and making sure that we meet our deadlines, while still not abusing the flexibility of my husbands job with these appointments that we have to attend.

I guess this is where your patience is tested and we have to learn to roll with the flow, even when it is out of our control.

Surprisingly, I wasn't the one that was upset over the time being changed, it was my other half!

He is fine now, and he realizes that many things are out of our control, but I guess his issue was "professional courtesy" and giving us advanced notice since we were on a time line with vacation and other factors. We are going to go get the money orders today for the fingerprinting and get the letter notarized since that was our original plan anyway. Everything will be ready for our appointment.

It's not too late

We are going through our closets taking out all that has not been worn to put in bags to take to the Salvation Army today. Every year I always forget and the 31st sneaks up on me. I figure 3 things will come out this: Purging our closets, getting a tax write off, and making more room in all of the closets since we will be having more guests on a regular basis.

I am going to be "naked and not ashamed." I have things in 3 of 4 of the bedroom closets upstairs except for the nursery, and I take up 75% of our master bedroom walk in closet with things that I do not even really wear that much or need to shed pounds to get back in comfortably. I also have items in sealed bags in the basement. For what?

It is funny how when I lived in NYC and I really shopped then and had a true shopping habit. However, I cleared out things to make space for new things or either gave things away. Space was limited and I couldn't live like I did with stuff every where like when I was back in NC with plenty of closet space. I guess it is true, the more you have the more you use. So, when we moved here a relocating, it only took about 2 years for me to start rotating things to closets. Suits and sweaters in closets, clothing that I wear regularly in another, and everything in the master, and whatever is not upstairs is in the basement packed away in seasonal bags that I never really return to go get and have somehow forgotten about until I remember I have something and can't find it!

Today is the day and we are taking these things out and taking them to SA before they close. I have things with tags on them that I haven't worn which is silly. I can bless someone else with these barely worn items and clear my closets for a new year and new beginning.

There is still time to do something great by donating to others as well as clear some things from your own home.

What to consider

During our adoption training with our agency back in October we received a paper by Dixie Van De Flier Davis, Ed.D on "What to consider Before you Adopt" with several other documents in our packet.


I guess that I should have posted this article back in October when I received it, but I was busy with paperwork for the agency after we decided to move forward with them. It is still appropriate and it may give others considering adoption something to think about as well. Many adoptive parents face some, but not all of these things discussed below.





As quoted from the article "What to Consider before you Adopt"



Adoption is not the same as having a baby:

Many women have a need, deep within, to get pregnant and give birth. Adoption does not fill that need. Most American girls are raised with the belief they will grow up and have a baby. When that does not happen due to infertility, it can challenge the self-confidence of women who find themselves competent in all other respects. Many men need to pass on their legacy to a child of their own genes. They believe that adopting a boy or a girl that is born to another couple is not the same.


If your need is to be a parent, adopting fills the bill nicely. After all, parenting lasts pretty much for a lifetime. Nurturing, guiding, education, and enabling children into adulthood is a rewarding endeavor.




Adopting won't fix a troubled relationship between parents:



Bringing a child into your homne is most successful when it comes from a desire to share your lives rather than from a need to fill emptiness. A new personality in the family changes everything. There are new demands, new expenses, and more opportunities to argue and misunderstand. If you find yourself thinking of a sentence, which sounds like, "When we have a baby, ___________ will be better" think again.




You will give up control, at least for a while:



Like most people who have been sucessful in life, you have set goals and met them. You have made decisions for yourselves, and now you are about to put your future into the hands of people you have never met. Strangers will assess your stability to adopt, guide toward a particular country, and make decisions about which child you are offered.


The agency, the court, INS ( Immigration Naturalization Service), and others will eventually get out of your lives. But for many months, they will be present at your breakfast table conversation. Their paper work will clutter your desk, and their bureaucratic regulations will challenge your patience.

Not all of your family members and friends will be thrilled with your choice to adopt:

A lot of people have heard stories about adoptive parents who have had their hearts broken or lost custody of their children. Some do not believe it's possible to love an adopted child or will think you are settling for second best. Don't be surprised when you meet people who think you are selfish and those who are sure you are saints. Though you never intended it, adopting internationally is a political statement of sorts. You may discover that some of your co-workers or neighbors believe that Americans should not uproot children from their home countries. Some relatives will not notice the difference between your adopted child and all of the other nieces and nephews. Others will. You will learn first hand what it means to be different.

Your child's life did not begin when she was adopted by you:

Regardless of how young your child is, she had a different life before she came into your family. Her genetic makeup is not of your lineage, and the differences will probably be more apparent 15 years from now then when you first adopt.

You are forever linking your family with that of another family largely unknown to you. It is their genetic yearnings that course through your child's veins. In time, their medical history will come to life in your household. Their talents and propensities may be more obvious in your daughter than the skills you nourish through athletic and music lessons you make available to her. You job as her parents, is to encourage her to become all that she is meant to be.

This adoption-like all others-was born from a profound loss. Grieving this loss is only natural. If you have sturggled with infertility or the lost of hoped for children, you know what I am talking about. You may have already considered that your adopted child was once bonded to his mother (and perhaps to others in his family or to care givers in his early weeks or months). We are told that an infant knows the sound of its mother's voice from long association in the womb. Imagine the terrible loss when that voice is suddenly gone. Your adopted child froma broad will travel in unfamiliar vehicles to get to America. He will eat unfamiliar foods, be exposed to foreign smells and sounds. He will sleep in a strange bed and be comforted by your hands- the hands of strangers, murmuring unfamiliar words to him and singing unrecognizable nursery songs.

You may not yet have considered that you too will grieve as you raise your child. You will ache for his losses and hurts. He will become yours, and yet you will be powerless to heal all the hurts of his beginning or the new hurts that will visit him. As your child grows, he will experience those losses in differing ways. He may long to see or know about his birth family, or he may wish for a relative who looks like him. He may fear that he will be abandoned again.

Most adults know that no one ever totally "gets over" a major loss. We learn to live on and enjoy life, but the loss is always present.

Adopted children are over-represented in the offices of counselors and psychotherapists:

That doesn't mean that they have bad lives or bad parenting. It means that adopted persons have psychological challenges that those who are not adopted don't have. For them, growing up means learning to integrate their beginnings and losses iwth their missing parents without the advantage of having them around to help with the process.

Love Grows:

People worry whether they will love their adopted child right away, and they worry about whether the child will love them in return. After the rush of the first days or weeks together, some worry that they don't feel the way they think they should feel. But love is not a feeling. It is a process of growing. It is a decision to commit your life to another. Ted, an adoptive dad, recently observed that loving his son sort of sneaked up on him. He noticed one day that when something went wrong, his first thought wasn't about how he would explain the situation to his adoption worker or what his neighbors would think. he said, "When my first though was concern for my son, I knew I loved him."

Knowing all of these things won't lessen your enthusiasm. Knowing however might make you a wiser consumer and perhaps less surprised as a parent. Good wishes on your journey.

By: Dixie Van De Flier Davis, ED. D - What to Consider Before you Adopt

Positive and Negative Language

Positive Language:

Birth Parent

My or our child

Make an adoption plan

We wanted and chose to be your parents,

and your birthparents chose us

Decision to parent a child

Child born to unmarried parents

Adoption participants

Locate, making contact with birth relatives

Waiting Children, children with special needs

Daughter or son who was adopted as a child

Child placed for adoption

Child from another country

International Adoption


Negative Language:

Real or Natural parent
My or our adopted child

Put up for adoption, give up, give away, surrender for adoption, relinquish
We chose you

Keep a child
Illegitimate Child
Adoption triad, triangle

Search, track down parents, reunite, reunion

Special needs children, hard to place children

Referring to an adult adopted person as an adopted child

Child taken away

Foreign child

Foreign adoption

There is an explanation that goes with each one of the statements. However, it would make the post that much longer. This was a very helpful exercise that we did in October and the sheet with the terminology is great to share with those who are not "in the know" or aware of the appropriate terminology.

Adoption Language and Teachable Moments

Oh my gosh....

A close friend and I had a conversation over the weekend and it moved the discussion into an incident that occurred over the holidays regarding adoption language. Many times as adoptive parents or future adoptive parents feel that an uncomfortable moment my take place generally out in the streets, when actuality, it can take place right within your own family and or extended family.

In short, someone asked her on Christmas, "when was the last time you talked to X's mom." My friend said she handled it with grace and asked her, "who are you talking about?", to get her to rephrase it in a more appropriate way.

I was actually burning inside myself when this was shared with me and I wondered why would a person or family member say such an inappropriate thing at a holiday get together, and let alone, label "mom" instead of birthmom, when a young adoptive child currently knows their adoptive mom as their mother.


This could happen to any adoptive parent, and we have to educate our family and friends so that we do not have unnecessary, uncomfortable moments or inappropriate talk around a young child about their adoption, when the adoptive parents may not have shared this with the child yet, if the child is older.

These instances can take place at family functions or anywhere. Sometimes it is due to ignorance and sometimes it is done out of spite, or a combination of both.

After we had that conversation about the conversation that took place, I decided I would share some of the helpful information on my blog that was shared with us with our agency when we did our orientation. These situations can be addressed by sharing with family and friends who are not familiar with appropriate adoption language and to break others from making inappropriate statements.

Whether it is an international adoption or domestic adoption, any of these weird or uncomortable moments may take place. I know all of us may have family members or extended family/friends who are "old school" and use old school adoption terminology and may not even be aware that they are being somewhat intrusive.



The training that we had indicated that:

"The words we use convey a great deal about what we think and value. When we use Positive Adoption Language, we are saying that adoption, like birth, is a way to build a family. Choosing Positive Adoptive language helps to dispel the myths and misconceptions about adoption. Adoption may be a second choice but it is never considered second best."

I will post the Positive and Negative Language for Adoption Language given to us by our agency.

Good Neighbors

One of our neighbors offered their oven so that we could cook our ham in it this morning. We are really close to them anyway, but I have always disliked bothering people, but things happen. I would have done the same for them as well. We had several other options up the street and also within the neighborhood, but it was much easier to take it and put in the oven next door. We are thankful that we have a close relationship like that with our neighbors. 

I prepared the ham and hubby took it over there and they put it in the oven. When he we went back he took the girl's Christmas gifts from us and also brought back the ham and took pictures of their daughters dressed alike. 

Merry Christmas

For unto us a Child is Born. Isaiah 9:6  

"We wish you immeasurable joy as we celebrate the birth of Jesus. As we remember that he is the reason for the season." 

Merry Christmas!

Up cooking..oven not working

Okay, I only baked two things tonight. After my collard greens finished cooking, I noticed that there were no numbers lit up on my oven. It seems that the oven is not working. It is really strange because we have only been in our home a couple of years and we do not use the oven that much. However, electronics will let you down.  

Luckily, I baked two items earlier in the evening, but I still have the ham to cook and the oven is not working.  It looks as though the electronic board may have gone out. It just quit working for no reason. 

This is out of our control, we will deal with it in the morning. Of all nights for it to go out! We will have to call to have it serviced on Friday. Oh well. 

Christmas Eve afternoon

We found ourselves out on Christmas Eve picking up some last minute small items. We had to run to Toys R Us to find a particular game cartridge for a particular educational toy. The traffic getting to the the shopping area was rough, but Toys R Us wasn't so bad.

I think that we actually enjoying getting out for a short period on Christmas Eve just to see what was going on and to get us lunch since we were headed back to cook for the remainder of the evening.  

Here are a few pics from our trip to Toys R Us this afternoon. 

This was so cute! A must have!

Where have the Smurfs been?

This was a cute interactive toy for young ones.

Appointments

I called this morning to schedule our finger print appointment. We were able to get our Finger Print appointment scheduled for next week. Sometimes it takes weeks to get in, but the lady that I spoke to was nice enough to shedule me before I went back to work. I had to confirm the exact amount of the money order that we have to bring in individually and the notarized document that we have to bring to the appointment.

My SW advised me on Monday that we already passed clearance with the other background checks that the agency ran with our paperwork submitted earlier.



The background and fingerprint clearances are two items in addition to health clearances that are a must even if there is a need for a placement (meaning not planned with several months of discussing with the birth parents and adoptive parents with a normal selection process.) We are moving right along.

The price of procrastination...

I just realized that this year I was swamped with everything going on. We normally get our Christmas cards out right after Thanksgiving and this year the cards went out this week.  In addition, we scrammed around on Saturday to get some packages mailed off and the lines were out of this world. I was somewhat shameful that we waited this long to send things off. I picked up that tradition of mailing out cards early on from my parents as a child. However, I have seen occasions where they sent theirs out a little later than normal, and it is okay. As my mother tells me eloquently, "Don't sweat the small stuff, its the thought that counts."

We went to our big post office twice on Saturday because it stays open until midnight. The lines were ridiculous and police officers were stationed outside when we returned in the evening. So, we called it a day when we finished with everything and my husband got up really early Sunday morning to go send the packages off. Luckily, there were only 4 people in line in front of him and he was in out and out quickly. 

While I am a little bit disappointed in myself that we did not follow our routine of getting our cards out earlier and shipping the packages off earlier because we had completed most of our "kiddie" gifts prior to Thanksgiving. 

I realized that circumstances are out of our control at times and I wasn't just sitting at home idle. The reality is that things will not always be perfect and sent out on time. Children remind you of that because they will throw a curve into your plans. So, maybe this was my year to be reminded that it is okay,  things happen and to get ready to have my life changed, because children bring immediate change and I will have to roll with the flow.  

However, there is a price to pay for sending Christmas goodies out later than normal, but it is worth it to make sure that our "little" loved ones get their packages. 

Next year we will make it a point to get packages in the mail after Thanksgiving to avoid crazy lines at the post office. This was a lesson to be learned with a child coming. 

Home Study.....almost completed

This afternoon I had my individual interview/meeting with my Social Worker for the home study process. The interview was scheduled at 1:00 pm and I was advised that it would last at least 2 1/2 hours. We finished up at 4:30 pm.  The meeting went great and she had a copy of my self-study that I had typed out and sent back to her via email. 

The self-study is a long document that asks questions about the individual, how they were raised, family contact, child-rearing practices, disciplining children, questions related to your marriage (communication, dividing finances etc), how your family feels about the adoption,parenting an adopted child, nature vs nurture,  description of your home in detail, how the child will affect your marriage/lifestyle, your neighborhood, surrounding shopping area, listing schools close by, police departments, fire departments etc. It also goes into detail asking about how you will deal with talking to the child about adoption and when your child asks questions about where they are from. 

I feel that I was pretty thorough in my typed out self-study because the notes she made were minimal on the side of each section and we really just had a casual conversation about what I already wrote on the self study. The references that are sent in will also be added into the meat of the home study document as well since it is others describing the couple and their ability to parent. 

The document is given to each spouse to fill out and submit and this helps the SW with the interview and typing up the actual home study. She had received all of our references except for one and that was great. She advised me that it could have actually be in the office, but not delivered to her yet since it goes through several hands. One of my reference letters arrived in the mail while was there. Everyone literally turned their reference letters in less than 10 days. 

In addition, she also advised me of what she would be looking for once she actually comes to our home for the last visit. It was a list of everything that I had been aware of. Nothing came to a surprise. 

At one point during the initial part of the meeting, my Social Worker had to leave to go copy some original documents that I brought in. 

I decided to text one of the Social Workers that we met there back in September, that now lives back in NC where I am from, because she relocated.  This is the Social Worker that did our meeting back in September. We ended up finding out that she was from the same place that my parents are originally from. She was adopted by a local minister and his wife and she went to high school with my uncle as well (who is my age). That was really bizarre finding that out. 

So, we have kept in touch since our initial meeting in September.  This was the person who decided to share her adoption story with us and how being an adult not finding out where she came from until she was in her thirties due to NC's closed adoptions laws then. She shared a wealth of information with us. 

I texted her to let her know that I was there and to let her know which home study social worker that I had. She immediately texted me back and reminded me that we have to get together since we didn't get to see each other Thanksgiving when I came home.  We have been trying to connect when I come home so that I can introduce Carmen and her husband to my parents since they are in the same city now. 

I also had the opportunity to see the director and a few other staff members that we met back in October for the orientation and training. They are really so sweet and they are really like a family. It is so moving to see how emotional and happy they are with the process. She was so excited to see us moving quickly through. We hugged and she asked about my husband and shared a couple of exciting things with me.  

I enjoy having a personable relationship with them and we feel like we can ask them anything that comes to our mind as a concern. I also like the fact that even though they are not a tiny agency, but they do not do hundreds of placements a year. However, they know their families by name and have ongoing relationships with them. 

I have another girlfriend who adopted from them a few years back and they create these lasting relationships with the families to see how the children and families are doing. It is a really good feeling because I feel like we get individualized attention when we are there and they are really getting to know you as a couple to make the best placement suggestion with the caseworkers for the birth families. 

When this is all said and done, I would really love to help an adoption agency in some sort of way with their process. It is awesome to see how placing a miracle with a family that has a desire to parent a child and go through such a process to receive the child into their family. I am a cry baby, so I would be crying at every placement. I don't think I would know how to separate my emotions!

Santa's Helpers

Last night, my god children stayed with us a few hours while their mother and father went out to dinner to celebrate her birthday. Although we see the on a regular basis, it amazing to see how they quickly they mature. We had a 30 minute conversation while they were finishing their dinner. Then they quickly asked to go get on the computer to get on an educational site. My time flies and how quickly they grow up. 

Here are pictures of my favorite little Santa's helpers......our god children on last night at our home. 

Serving our Country

As many of us prepare to spend time with our families and close friends, there are so many families that will be separated due to their active duty in the military. 

One of my younger first cousins, who is also my Soror left today for a tour that she must serve far away in the middle east.

She is an officer in the United States Air Force and we are very proud of her. I salute her today as well as the countless other individuals who serve our country and sacrifice time away at special holidays to serve and protect. While it is difficult with families to deal with during this holiday season, we know that they are working for our country. 

We will be here waiting for you in 2009 when you return and hopefully this gift and or gifts coming will be waiting for you to come spoil him/her as well! 

Love ya girl! 

Happy Birthday to a Special friend

Happy Birthday Kendral!

To a very special friend who is celebrating a birthday today. 

Thank you for your friendship and all that I (hubby and I) have learned from you and your husband. Although, we have only known each other for 5 years, it seems like a life time. 

For those who do not know it, we met 5 years ago when I first relocated here. We met at work, and little did we know that our lives would take similar paths and there was a reason for our meeting. In addition, my husband and I are blessed to be asked to be the god parents to her 2 beautiful children. 

Enjoy your day, and we love you for all that you are and all that you do. Thank you for listening to me when I am not quite sure of where I am being led, but you allow me to answer my own questions. 

Thank you for being supportive of our endeavors and always being there. Most of all, thank you for being  you! 

 

Finished with classes for a few weeks

I finally have a 3 week break from my doctoral classes. It was a difficult semester with classes, work,  and everything going on in my household, but I made it through. I am going to enjoy my few weeks off from classes. I had to focus and fall off the blog scene for a little while to finish my class business. I guess that it is good in a way because it keeps me balanced and not focused just on one thing.  As if I have ever been able to just focus on 1 thing! 

My 12 Favorite Things this year

In the spirit of the holidays, I decided to post a few of my favorite things. Some of these things I have and some are on my wish list.

1. Carol's daughter Jamaican Punch Shea Body Lotion

This is one of the best lotions that I have ever had. I had the priviledge of shopping in the original small Brooklyn store when I lived there.

2. OPI nail color Lincoln Park after Dark

I typically wear a plain creamy white OPI natural color, pale pink or this winter color Lincoln Park after Dark. They are all fabulous and great gifts.

3. Aveda Carribbean Therapy Bath Bar

This is awesome soap. It moisturizes your skin and leaves it feeling like you just put lotion on. I really enjoy using it in the summer time. It is a treat that I splurge on every couple of months.

4. Melaleuca's Sol-u-Mel cleaner

This is a product that we use regularly in our home to get stains out of our closet, freshen the bathroom and containers. It is a wellness product and excellent for those who prefer environmentally friendly products.

5. Digital Picture Frames

Target has these frames marked down for the holidays. This is a great gift and they are an excellent way to show your recent pictures in your home by placing it in a visible area. I recently purchased some on sale for $59.00 each that were originally priced at 100.00. They hold 200-400 pictures, depending on your settings. One will be a gift, and I am keeping the other!

6. Flip Digital Mino Camcorder

This little mini pocket recorder is pocket size. You can take this along in your purse and catch photo shots of your little one. It can be plugged right in to your lap to to view it on your computer and save it. You can also look at the mini video with sound on the device. They run about $179.00 This is a must!

A girlfriend of mine showed me several different video clips of her 6 month old son that she took. I plugged it in to my laptop and the picture quality was actually very good. Its great for the new mom on the go.

7. Tiffany & Co. Business Card Case

An alternative to Tiffany's is Things Remembered.

8.  Tiffany & Co Beaded bracelet and necklace

This duo can be dressed up or down with any outfit and it is timeless. 

9.  Clear Mascara by Maybelline

This is great stuff. It is excellent for brows. It gives them a polished look daily. 

10.  Blackberry World Edition

This phone is awesome. You can get your emails pushed to the phone quickly and check your blogs. It has a lot of nice features. In addition, it can be used internationally while traveling. 

11.  Happy by Clinique

This has been one of my favorite sweet scents for about 10 years. It smells sweet and fresh and it has a reasonable price. 

12.  BMW 750 Li

This car is awesome. However, it just received a recommended to purchase by Consumer Reports after several years of poor reliability and maintenance issues. The ride is great, the safety is great, and the bells and whistles are off the chain. However, the reliability was not the greatest for a car of this type. It was not recommended in the past. Our household is big on reliability and my husband was not impressed with the fact that each year when we looked it received very poor ratings. It is still on my Favorite List for this year. The great thing is that it did finally get a recommendations. Maybe next year!

I have been...

I have been exposed....

Yesterday and today our close friends who were our references received their letters from our agency. Most of them received their letters on Monday and Tuesday. My girlfriend called me Tuesday afternoon to tell me that she and her husband received their letter with instructions on Monday and as of today they have already submitted their reference letter. Thank you Kendral! Love you guys! Our other friends are submitting theirs this week as well. Our agency advised them in their letter that they had 10 days to get their reference letters back into them.

Today, my husband was talking to my parents because he had a question about something with the house because our lights were acting weird this evening when I arrived home. We had really bad thunderstorms and winds, and we are not for sure if the electrical work was damaged. We had the electrical company come out tonight and they diagnosed the problem and it will be repaired after the rain stops within the next two days. They have a set up outside to assist with our lighting until the problem can be repaired.
As my husband was talking to my parents, he told me an hour later that my mother said, " We received our letter from your agency today about being a parental reference and we are sending ours in this week.
I did not realize that the agency was going to send letters to our parents. I assumed that the references that she was sending them to were only the references that we listed which were close friends and coworkers.

There was a section underneath the references where we had to put our parents name, address and telephone numbers down. I thought this was just for logistics!
Well, they sent reference letters to both sets of parents!
This was the problem. We had not shared the adoption with my husbands parents yet! We were trying to get a little deeper into the adoption or either when we had a definite match and knew we would be bringing the baby home etc before we brought up the adoption to them.

As we were leaving ChicFila this evening, my phone vibrated and it was my other girlfriend texting me saying that she and her husband received her letter and she was working on hers. I said it out loud and my husband said, Oh, your parents go theirs today. I said, Huh? What? What do you mean they got a letter today to be a reference. He said, your mom was so excited and they are getting it turned in this week, they told me when I was talking to them tonight about the power.
Then I said, that means your parents will have theirs in their box today in their mail and you have not even warned them. He said its okay, they will supportive and it will be alright. He was as calm as he wanted to be about the whole thing.


I was panicking and decided to call my girlfriend Kendral and she was laughing at me! She said, girl, you can't hide this! This is God and just like a pregnancy, you can not hide that last trimester. You have been exposed and God is in control of this. Your baby is on the way and things are lining up quickly! She also stated that his parents would be okay when they received it, and they truly were.

Sure enough my husband decided to call tonight after my girlfriend mentioned that he should go ahead and give them a heads up that they will be receiving a letter from our agency about sending a reference as a parent for our adoption, because they might be clueless.
Well, they received their letter in NYC today from our agency! My mother in law told him that she received it today and my husband asked her was she going to send the letter back in or what, I guess as a conversation filler, and she said yes. It was that simple. No questions really asked or anything. She said she showed it to his father too. He talked to his father as well tonight. So, they are sending their reference letter in this week as well. They kept on talking about other stuff as they normally do.

We were not trying to keep it a secret, it is just that we had a select circle of who we told about deciding to adopt. We figured it would keep down a lot of questions and confusion if we waited to share as we got closer to the end. It is truly a personal decision and going through an adoption process can be truly emotional.
I was trying to control the situation, but God showed me differently. Well, I was exposed or 'We" were exposed tonight, but in a great way.
I just thought that I would share our exposure tonight.


I also want to say thank you to all of our close friends who did reference letters for us and have responded quickly considering a short time frame. You all are fabulous. I have never seen people get things and respond immediately within 24 -48 hours. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone were on top of things like that?

We appreciate all of your support. As Kendral always says, she "wrote the book and has the T-shirt for this " so she knows how important getting these things in on time is for parents going through the process.

House Guests....

The past few days we had a relative staying with us (one of my husband's cousins that lives here that is in her thirties). She called me on this past Monday to ask could she stay Wednesday through Friday of this past week and the whole week of this coming week so that she could substitute teach, which was her part time job in addition to the full time job that she had. I told her that I had to call him to ask him to make sure that it was okay because we do not make individual decisons.


She recently decided that she was going to quit her full time job and finish up her last couple of courses which she can take on line for her MBA. She is hoping to find a job after she finishes her program in the spring that is more or less in the area that she would like to work.



So, she decided she was going to go live with her father and his new wife so that she would not have to worry about paying for rent and other expenses while she finished up her last few courses. They live about 2 hours from here. She moved out of her apartment several weeks ago and transitioned to her fathers house to focus on finishing her last few classes. She had not found a part time job where her father lives and therefore needed to come back to substitute teach a few days so she could just make her car note and insurance money.


I understand that and didn't mind helping her out by agreeing to let her stay with us for almost 2 weeks so that she could work since she said she had already planned to come back and sub before she left the area and moved. My question to myself was, why didn't she ask me a few weeks ago since she knew for a while and she spoke to me on several different occasions.



My husband and I agreed that she could stay, but we knew we had some home study stuff coming up and I had to end up telling her about the adoption briefly, in the event that we needed her to pack up and go to another relatives home or a friends home. She was fine with that. I never told her that we were giving her a key or the code.

The thing is, I chose not to give her a key or the alarm code. I told her what time we would be home and she could meet us at our home when we got off work. She said that was fine because she would do some work at the library on the computer after work for her class. We also advised her that the adoption was not to be discussed otherwise and she said she was private just like us and would not repeat it to anyone.



This worked for 2 - 3 days I guess. I talked to several of my close girlfriends and their recommendations too were not to give out keys because it can be very difficult to get house guests out of your home, especially when it is family. I was not planning on giving out keys or codes anyway. So, on yesterday about mid afternoon after my husband made her coffee and had a light breakfast (she did help clean up ) she relaxed a little bit, read a few of my magazines and then went back to her room, I guess to get dressed when I was getting dressed.



When I was getting ready to leave to go to the nail salon I let her know I was leaving and would be back. I told her my husband (her cousin) was still in the house and the contractor was still working in the nursery. She said she was leaving behind me because she was going to go ahead and leave so that she could go stay with a friend. I did not question it because I really didn't care. She thanked me for allowing her to stay the days that she did, and I thanked her for helping clean some Saturday morning.


I was not for sure if she wanted us to ask her why she was leaving or to stay, but we didn't because I do not play those kinds of games. If she was expecting us to say something, she was sadly mistaken because we did not. What do people really expect when they come to stay with you, and not as an out of town visitor on vacation or business?


My husband was working on the Christmas tree and he just asked her who she was staying with and she said it was a friend that worked in the school system too and the girl got off around the same time that she did and their schedules worked better. We were like, "Oh, Ok" ,and I kept it moving. My husband helped her get all of her luggage down to her car and she was leaving behind me as I was pulling out of the garage. I didn't feel bad, but I just wondered if it was because we didn't give her free reign of our home by giving her a set of house keys and the codes, which no one has.



Now, the question that I ask myself is, why didn't she ask this friend in the beginning? Especially if this person is single and may let you have keys and come home whenever, and the two of them would be getting off at the same time.


When a person is a visitor, they are going to have to be inconvienced because it is not their home and they are not on vacation. We did our duty and obligation by giving her a place to stay for free so that she could make her money to meet her obligations since she had not found a part time job.


My guess is that she will have to come back to work for a few more weeks after the holidays if she has not found something to hold her over until she finds a real job. Unfortunately, we will not be able to offer her a place to stay because of our home study. One thing most people know about me is that I do not have time to play games with grown people. Now, we see where my patience runs slim.



This situation showed me how private I have become and how much of routine we have set within our household. When I come home, I am used to relaxing and not answering a whole bunch of questions, even though I am a sociable person. I am also used to coming home working on my Doctoral work on the computer and my time is limited after I get settled in and take care of things in the house, so therefore I do not need distractions. Your routine definitely does change when you have a house guest staying with you. You can not walk around like you want to and you have to forgo going places that you would normally go because you have to let someone in your home.



I had to remind her to get as much work done after she finished teaching at the school on the computer because I would need to use my husbands computer when I got home because my lap top charger had a short in it and I couldn't use it. She told me that she was doing her classwork after work at the library while she waited for us to get home. So, that was cool. She needed to do work on the computer Friday night, so I finished my work earlier and told her that she could use my laptop if we could get the charger working since my husband was on his computer doing some work. I went to take a shower and went to bed. He set her up on my computer and she did what she had to do.

I also had to tell her to get up on my way out in the morning to work because I noticed that she wasn't up stirring around and she told me that she needed to be out of the house by a certain time and it was 20 minutes before that time.
So, this kind of disturbed me because we had already discussed what time she was leaving for work and what time my husband was leaving. Although my husband works 8 minutes from our home, that should not be taken advantage of. That evening I asked her did she need an alarm clock and she said no she had one. I just didn't want her to be late for work and subsquently have my husband leaving late as well.


Both mornings she left 20-30 minutes later than scheduled, which would mean that she is arriving late as a substitute teacher. Her leaving late didn't put my husband behind or anything because he is kind of flexible and he was already dressed for work. I am not for sure that I could deal with a house guest on a regular basis. I have heard horror stories from other people that I know about relatives who took advantage and extended their stay in their homes.
I guess I was more so disturbed because we all have jobs to get to and right now with this economy that we are in and educated folks with several degrees are jobless.

While I love family, on either side and I love entertaining and having company over. Its a time and a place for everything. This makes me question whether or not I can actually tolerate having a nanny in my home for a year (which would be his other first cousin who is like his sister). My husband has a first cousin who is an excellent nanny and she is his age. She has been the nanny to his brothers three children and we were anticipating having her come here at some point with our family planning process, but not necessarily for the adoption due to the lack of preparation with an adoption. She generally lives with them during the week and goes home to her apartment on the weekend. You never know when it is going to happen. We would have to schedule having her move down and have her preschooler set up in school. She told me that she was actually ready for a change in terms of moving when we spoke about it a year ago. So, there are other dynamics that have to be considered in her defense.

I actually believe that I can tolerate having her live with us because I know her very well and she is an excellent nanny, housekeeper and she would be here with us for a purpose to assist us with our child. It gives me something to think about. However, I truly believe that having her live in with us as a nanny would be great knowing you would not have to take your baby out. Our initial goal was to have the basement completed so that none of us would get on each others nerves!

The Nursery's Closet....

Our demo contractor/electrician came today to work on the nursery's closet. In order for us to maximize the closet space that we have in that room for a custom closet, we needed to open it up. A close friend of ours does custom cabinetry and closets and recommended this guy to demo the closet so that he could build the cabinets for the closet so that we can have a functional closet.  We will move forward with the closet cabinetry after the holidays. One project at a time. 

Here are a few pictures of the demo project of the closet. The contractor is coming back tomorrow afternoon to finish the final touches. Then our friend can come and get  the exact measurements for the closet. 

I will try to post pictures when the job is cleaned up and definitely when the closet is finished. 

Home Study Meeting

Yesterday, we had our first meeting with our Social Worker for our Home Study Process.  We were actually introduced to her during our 2 day orientation back in October when many of the staff members of the agency came that Saturday and defined their roles within the agency. My husband and I met at the agency because we were both coming from our jobs. 

I am not for sure of how the agency determines which SW is going to conduct the home study, however, I do believe they try to match a situation where they consider your personalities after they meet you and have a feel of the couples comfort level with the adoption and time frame.  I was expecting someone older to do the home study. We have a SW that I would say is my age (fairly young) mid thirties, very chic, loves dogs, caucasian and is very sociable. 

We discussed some new documents that are now required and we also discussed our time frame that we preferred to have the home study completed. Some couples take several months and others have theirs completed within a month. It is entirely up to the couple and their desired speed. We set up dates for our individual interviews beginning with my interview I believe two weeks later will be his interview and the visit in our home.  

She also discussed interstate adoptions as well.  Several of the new documents were due to new interstate adoption requirements. This basically means if they have an infant in another state, that it can be placed in our state with us. She asked us if were were open to it and we said yes. She stated in most cases it is very limited contact by the birth parents when this happens and they decide not to actually meet the adoptive parents, and there may not be any contact desired after the placement in this situation. It all depends. 

She advised us that we should not be nervous about anything in regards to her coming into our home and she told us her purpose. I advised her that I have several friends that have gone through it recently and I have several friends who are SW and conduct (or used to conduct) these types of visits for foster care or adoption. I named out a few things that she would be looking for and she agreed.

We were excited to get the show on the road and to complete this process.  She seemed very excited to have us and told us that they (the agency) was pleased and excited to have us as a resource because there were very few African American parents adopting. 

Here are a few pictures at the agency yesterday and in the building where the agency is located. 

 

6 years ago today ...

Six years ago on this day (November 2002), my husband had an in depth discussion with my parents when I was not in the room with them and told them what his intentions were in the next few months in regards to our relationship. 

He asked my Father and mother for their permission to marry me. He expressed to them that he had intentions of proposing to me in June of 2003 (which I did not know about).  Not to say that our dating relationship was not bump free, but it was well worth it in the end when you see the transformations that we both made from dating into marriage. 

My Husband proposed to me actually on my Father's birthday, and it was a significant birthday as well. Our engagement was announced at a surprise birthday party that my mother threw for my father that weekend. Ironically, we ended up having our reception at the same hotel the following year. 

On Mothers day weekend in  May of 2004, this is the day that my Father officially had the son that he never had and my husband received another Father the he admires and loves dearly and calls him "Dad". 

My Husband and my Father on our wedding day. I still do not know what they were talking about in this picture. 

Home for the Holidays....

Home for the Holidays.....

We went to NC to my parents home for the Thanksgiving holiday. Our day started early around 4:30 am with traveling from our state to North Carolina. Once we arrived to my parents home in NC, we changed quickly from our sweats to business attire to go to our appointment with our financial advisor. The purpose of the meeting was to make adjustments to prepare for a child coming into our life. Boy are children expensive!

After that meeting we were pooped, being that we had to go through a mini physical with a nurse as well. I was a little tired of being poked since I just had a full blown physical a few days before and I still had the bruises on my arm as proof from the blood being taken. Needless to say, I was thrilled to be home for the holidays, especially since Thanksgiving was actually being held at my parents home. Therefore, I didn't have to live out of suit case for 4 days traveling to different parts of NC for the entire holiday.

Home sweet Home....at my Parent's home.

GIving Thanks...

My Personal Prayer (part of it)......

Father God,

We are coming to you as best as we know how. In this season of Thanksgiving, we want to say thank you God for all that you have done all year long for all of us. We are in a season now where many are finding it difficult to praise you due to financial crises, personal issues, job losses, and a struggling nation. We know that all things are possible through you.

We'd like to thank you for what you are doing and what you are going to do. Father God, we would like to say thank you for bringing us along this journey of adoption and giving us the gift of discernment. Father God, we'd like to ask that you continue to guide us in the direction that you see fit. We know that you are in control of this process. We ask that you cover this child that you are blessing us with. Father God, we ask that you cover this child's biological mother with your grace and mercy. We ask that you give the biological family a sense of peace and comfort with their decision to make an adoption plan for this child. Father God, we ask that you cover this child's health and body from head to toe with an uncomplicated childbirth, supernaturally through you. Father God, we ask that you continue to allow us to walk in the spirit of discernment as we continue through this process. We ask that you remove any fear that may arise on our part by reminding us to have faith in you and your promises. Father God, we ask that you continue to work through us so that we do not become selfish with this child and always know and understand that this child is a gift from you and loaned to us only for a season. We ask that you continue to place a spirit of thankfulness and humility as we receive this child. Father God, We ask that you cover all of these orphan children and unborn children for we know that we are all yours. Father God, I ask a special blessing for those families that are going through any adoption process, pregnancy or already received their child. Father God, speak to the families right now with heavy hearts right now due to unforeseen circumstances out of their control but not out of your control. Remind these families that you are the beginning and the end and it is not over until you say so.

Father God, we ask that you continue to place people in our paths along this journey to help us see your mission.

We ask all of things in the mighty name of Jesus.