Last week I had a conversation with someone and after a lengthy conversation about some other things it led into me sharing that we were adopting. The person was sincerely happy for me and was aware of adoptions to an extent because they had family member who adopted from within their extended family.
The question that was posed was "Are you going to tell your child that he or she is adopted?" I immediately said yes, of course we plan on telling our child that they were adopted by us at the appropriate time. Not telling our child is not an option. Someone will entrust us with their biological child to raise as our child. I proceeded to say that it is a must, because the last thing that anyone would want is for their adoptive child to find out that they were adopted from someone else first. That we be considered attempting to keep secrets, and eventually, this would be something that can backfire on adoptive parents if they are not careful.
I proceeded to explain that it is a difference between sharing with someone if they asked if your child is adopted versus sharing the intimate details of their situation, in terms of how they came to be adopted, which is private. I feel that the child's birth story is private and should be for the child to know.
So, therefore, as adoptive parents, it is OK to let someone know that you adopted a child. In many cases people will already know that the child is not your biological child anyway, if they are close enough to the adoptive parents to know that there was not a pregnancy. However, an adoptive parent should not feel obligated to go into detail about the private matters of their adoption process.
We all must know and understand there is clearly a difference between privacy and secrecy as adoptive parents. The more comfortable the adoptive parents are with letting the child know that they are adopted at the appropriate time, the more comfortable the child will be with knowing and understanding how and why they were adopted. Children tend to follow our lead.
I believe that I was in a workshop or read some where and it was mentioned that some people have chosen not to tell certain people that they adopted because of fear that the person may treat their child differently if they found out that it wasn't their biological. In this case, I would not necessarily keep it a secret from the person. This is when the parent needs to discern as to who needs to be in their circle, or who they need to continue to deal with. Family or not! If a person has a biological child they would not allow anyone to treat their biological child indifferently without it being an issue. If this is an issue and can not be resolved, then hey, some people may have to be cut off if they can not treat my adopted child in the same manner they would if I had a biological child. It is a sensitive subject, but its the truth. Personally, it would make me look at the person differently anyway.
The best example that we were given in the adoptive parent training workshop was a person asking to see what is in your checkbook. Your checkbook should be considered a private matter. So, therefore, when people want to know the intimate details of your adoption, you can learn ways to advise them that it is a private matter, without telling them "It's none of your business!"
7 comments:
Halleluah! I agree! I was thinking about this yesterday as well. Adoption is nothing to be stigmitized or hidden. I want my little one to be proud of who she is. Personally, I don't see adoption differently from any other blended family unit.
Angela,
This is a serious subject for a lot of adoptive parents. Many just are not comfortable with it. I think when we do have a network with others who have also adopted or are adopting it helps. One thing that they stressed to us in our training is to use the word even while they are babies so when it is time to answer particular questions about the adoption to your child you are not "in shock" and unable to speak. It becomes natural when you talk about it with your child to let them know how much of a blessing they were to your family.
I was actually the person that they used during the training when one of the presenters asked could she see my checkbook! I said, No, why? I didnt say it mean or anything, but it was a weird question. That was the point. They said, that is privacy. You have a right to not share intimate details about things with people. They advised us to prepare ways to answer people when they want to know too much about the child's birth situation etc.
K, I read your post a couple of times and I want to make sure I'm getting the correct meaning. We of course will tell sweetums she's adopted when the time is right and everyone that knows us personally knows that already. However, and again I'm not sure this is what you mean, I definately do not feel it necessary to explain to everyone we meet that she is adopted, she is my daughter period. I don't know an instance that I would meet a stranger and feel the need to inform him that my child is adopted UNLESS it was someone interested in adoption themselves. This is wordy and confusing, I don't think I'm coming across correctly. Sorry
T,
Ok I totally understand the possible confusion from my post. Let me explain. The meaning of my post was really for talking about the difference. Not telling your child that he or she is adopted or acting like it is a secret or if we are offended if someone does happen to ask. The privacy part meant that we as adoptive parents do not have to explain to friends or family what the situation was of our child's birth story, meaning why or how they were given up. I say this because generally, most of the time the questions about adoption comes from people who clearly know that you have adopted your child and they become very curious about their story. It could be a coworker, family or extended family friend. I am not in agreement of telling strangers for no reason. I am mainly speaking of whenever a situation presents itself and someone asks and sometimes they do not realize that they are asking personal questions related to "how you received your child through their situation. They may ask things about why did the mother give them up etc. Sorry, that I was not clear.
The secrets part is for some families who have gotten bit in the backside for not telling their child due to fear and then the child finds out first the others or family talk and it is very hurtful. Believe it or not, it still happens in 2008. These are some of the things that we went over in the adoptive parenting training. It came to mind to post this when a coworker asked me last week after sharing with them. I wasn't in shock when they asked. I just answered the question--Yes, we are definitely telling the child that they are adopted at the appropriate time and age when they can understand and receive the information.
If I am still unclear--you know how to get in contact with me :-)
K.
Got it, clear as bell. Thank you maam and I totally agree.
I just don't think anyone should be denied their heritage. Our ancestors where denied just that. For example, if my people knew to pass down details of there history, I could probably have shares in one of these reservation casinos.
I don't advocate wearing an "I Adopted" button, and I don't like nosey people. But in instances of transracial adoptions it's just obvious. Everyone deserves a healthy self-esteem and it starts early like you said; they are bound to hear it from some idiot.
I hope take at least one mission trip with my child and she grows up wanting to help Ethiopia on some capacity. That would be a blessing to me.
Angela,
I agree with you in regards to a child should not be denied their heritage or knowing about their heritage or background.
I guess the best way that it was explained to me and it "hit home" for me was during our training and they encouraged us to remember that the baby that you receive as a blessing has already experienced a loss at birth. The loss that they receive is the fact that their birthmother or parent has decided to entrust someone else to provide for this baby for a lifetime. The least I can do is provide my child with their birthstory so that they will have a sense of where they came from and who they are. They will definitely know that they are loved regardless. It is just important for me as an adoptive parent to step by and try to relate to the fact that everyone would like to know where they came from and how they arrived to where they are. Sometimes it is just a matter of them knowing which gives them closure.
I agree with you, I am not saying wear a tshirt or button that says hey I adopted! As an AA adopting, we receive less visual ridicule than those families who have transracial adoptions in which it is clearly a difference. I just feel like it is my responsibility to build my child's self esteem up so that there is never an empty feeling due to my lack of communication to share with them about the importance of their existence in our lives. I think that it is something that just as an adoptive parent/family goes through certain things that others who do not adopt will not experience. An adopted child will have feelings and a need for understanding and closure that we may not understand because we are not adopted. After talking to a person that shared their real life story with me as an adopted adult, it makes you sensitive to making sure that you really open up to the conversation. Its such a deep topic.
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