This morning I was talking with one of my 1st cousins on the phone. I was updating her on our adoption process and I told her about the post that I began on yesterday regarding privacy versus secrecy. My cousin's first child is adopted via foster care and she has had her since she was an infant. It took her about 3 years to get finalization.
When we discussed this post, she was telling me about an incident that happened at her child's preschool a little while back when she was in preschool. She advised me that the preschool teacher came up to her one afternoon when she was picking her child up from school and congratulated her on the adoption being finalized. That was fine. Afterwards, the teacher went into a conversation about my cousin's child being adopted etc and my cousin advised her by whispering that they had not discussed in detail with her about the adoption. Basically, she wanted the teacher to stop talking about the whole adoption in front of her. The teacher did not stop. She continued to say that she was adopted and that my cousin needed to tell her little one that she was adopted and blah, blah,blah. My cousin felt uncomfortable because this lady still was not hearing her when she told her that she did not want to discuss this anymore. The teacher continued to follow her down the hallway talking about why she needed to tell her little preschooler right then about the adoption. How inappropriate! My cousin advised the teacher that she was going to speak to the director regarding her comments and the teacher not respecting her wishes by continuing to discuss a private matter not only in front of the child, but following her down the hallway discussing the issue as well.
This is a matter of privacy. My cousin was not keeping it a secret that her first child was adopted because the preschool knew that she was adopted and going through finalization; however, she and her husband wanted to be the ones to decide when to tell her preschooler the entire story of her adoption. Even though this person was adopted and I am sure was very passionate about it, she chose the wrong time and she did not respect my cousin's privacy regarding stopping the conversation when asked to. It is ultimately the parent's rights and responsibility to let their little one know about their adoption, not someone who is aggressively trying to force their opinion on the parent and child. For those of you who are wondering this is not something that happened a long time ago. Her children are very young, meaning 1st grade and under now. Sometimes people have not learned to tame their tongue.
Learning to know what to say and when to say it is a principle that many have not learned, and truly need to pray for guidance on!
This blog journals my life as I take the journey towards motherhood, my passion for photography, other hobbies, and all of the things that come with living and having faith. "For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him" - 1 Samuel 1:27
6 comments:
Absolutely awful, disrespectful and horribly rude. I hope the director spoke to this woman about her behavior. After your cousin whispered her wishes to her she should have shut it right then. How dare she try to demand your cousin discuss this very private matter on her terms. I only pray your cousin's little one was too young to understand. She handled the situation with grace, I'm sure I would not have been able to do so.
My cousin advised me that it just so happened that about 2 weeks later she noticed the teacher was no longer employed there. She didn't ask for details. My cousin is very soft spoken and sweet and she admitted that this made her very angry. She will be showing up on my blog soon, reading and commenting as an adoptive parent.
I was seeing "bi-polar mania" all over your description of that teacher's behavior. She had to have been un-medicated! That's such a private matter for a family and no one has the right to intrude like that. Her actions were very dogmatic and irrational.
I just don't know what I'll do if someone pulls that on my family. I'm like a mama bear- don't mess with my cubs. This subject is very thought provoking.
Angela,
You are correct. It is something that is thought provoking and it is something that could happen to any of us. We may not have as many ignorant situations to happen to us as AA adopting as families who have transracial adoptions (since it is very clear). However, there are instances like this that occur that really throw you for a loop. You are right, in the end we really have to protect our children just as any good mother would. You hate to become indignant with people, but sometimes we are almost forced to with people who do not understand boundaries.
Privacy versus secrecy is a sensitive subject. The adoptive parents are the only ones who have the right to discuss the adoption process. Your milestones have grown since my first visit. I love the furniture.
Kendral,
You are totally right! You and I have these discussions all of the time. Thanks to your lending ear, wisdom and experience it has made our journey so much easier. I will let you know after we go to the other spots to look at furniture. The pictures that you see of the sleigh crib is the place that you suggested us to go to this past weekend!
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