She recently decided that she was going to quit her full time job and finish up her last couple of courses which she can take on line for her MBA. She is hoping to find a job after she finishes her program in the spring that is more or less in the area that she would like to work.
So, she decided she was going to go live with her father and his new wife so that she would not have to worry about paying for rent and other expenses while she finished up her last few courses. They live about 2 hours from here. She moved out of her apartment several weeks ago and transitioned to her fathers house to focus on finishing her last few classes. She had not found a part time job where her father lives and therefore needed to come back to substitute teach a few days so she could just make her car note and insurance money.
I understand that and didn't mind helping her out by agreeing to let her stay with us for almost 2 weeks so that she could work since she said she had already planned to come back and sub before she left the area and moved. My question to myself was, why didn't she ask me a few weeks ago since she knew for a while and she spoke to me on several different occasions.
My husband and I agreed that she could stay, but we knew we had some home study stuff coming up and I had to end up telling her about the adoption briefly, in the event that we needed her to pack up and go to another relatives home or a friends home. She was fine with that. I never told her that we were giving her a key or the code.
The thing is, I chose not to give her a key or the alarm code. I told her what time we would be home and she could meet us at our home when we got off work. She said that was fine because she would do some work at the library on the computer after work for her class. We also advised her that the adoption was not to be discussed otherwise and she said she was private just like us and would not repeat it to anyone.
This worked for 2 - 3 days I guess. I talked to several of my close girlfriends and their recommendations too were not to give out keys because it can be very difficult to get house guests out of your home, especially when it is family. I was not planning on giving out keys or codes anyway. So, on yesterday about mid afternoon after my husband made her coffee and had a light breakfast (she did help clean up ) she relaxed a little bit, read a few of my magazines and then went back to her room, I guess to get dressed when I was getting dressed.
When I was getting ready to leave to go to the nail salon I let her know I was leaving and would be back. I told her my husband (her cousin) was still in the house and the contractor was still working in the nursery. She said she was leaving behind me because she was going to go ahead and leave so that she could go stay with a friend. I did not question it because I really didn't care. She thanked me for allowing her to stay the days that she did, and I thanked her for helping clean some Saturday morning.
I was not for sure if she wanted us to ask her why she was leaving or to stay, but we didn't because I do not play those kinds of games. If she was expecting us to say something, she was sadly mistaken because we did not. What do people really expect when they come to stay with you, and not as an out of town visitor on vacation or business?
My husband was working on the Christmas tree and he just asked her who she was staying with and she said it was a friend that worked in the school system too and the girl got off around the same time that she did and their schedules worked better. We were like, "Oh, Ok" ,and I kept it moving. My husband helped her get all of her luggage down to her car and she was leaving behind me as I was pulling out of the garage. I didn't feel bad, but I just wondered if it was because we didn't give her free reign of our home by giving her a set of house keys and the codes, which no one has.
Now, the question that I ask myself is, why didn't she ask this friend in the beginning? Especially if this person is single and may let you have keys and come home whenever, and the two of them would be getting off at the same time.
When a person is a visitor, they are going to have to be inconvienced because it is not their home and they are not on vacation. We did our duty and obligation by giving her a place to stay for free so that she could make her money to meet her obligations since she had not found a part time job.
My guess is that she will have to come back to work for a few more weeks after the holidays if she has not found something to hold her over until she finds a real job. Unfortunately, we will not be able to offer her a place to stay because of our home study. One thing most people know about me is that I do not have time to play games with grown people. Now, we see where my patience runs slim.
This situation showed me how private I have become and how much of routine we have set within our household. When I come home, I am used to relaxing and not answering a whole bunch of questions, even though I am a sociable person. I am also used to coming home working on my Doctoral work on the computer and my time is limited after I get settled in and take care of things in the house, so therefore I do not need distractions. Your routine definitely does change when you have a house guest staying with you. You can not walk around like you want to and you have to forgo going places that you would normally go because you have to let someone in your home.
I had to remind her to get as much work done after she finished teaching at the school on the computer because I would need to use my husbands computer when I got home because my lap top charger had a short in it and I couldn't use it. She told me that she was doing her classwork after work at the library while she waited for us to get home. So, that was cool. She needed to do work on the computer Friday night, so I finished my work earlier and told her that she could use my laptop if we could get the charger working since my husband was on his computer doing some work. I went to take a shower and went to bed. He set her up on my computer and she did what she had to do.
I also had to tell her to get up on my way out in the morning to work because I noticed that she wasn't up stirring around and she told me that she needed to be out of the house by a certain time and it was 20 minutes before that time.
So, this kind of disturbed me because we had already discussed what time she was leaving for work and what time my husband was leaving. Although my husband works 8 minutes from our home, that should not be taken advantage of. That evening I asked her did she need an alarm clock and she said no she had one. I just didn't want her to be late for work and subsquently have my husband leaving late as well.
Both mornings she left 20-30 minutes later than scheduled, which would mean that she is arriving late as a substitute teacher. Her leaving late didn't put my husband behind or anything because he is kind of flexible and he was already dressed for work. I am not for sure that I could deal with a house guest on a regular basis. I have heard horror stories from other people that I know about relatives who took advantage and extended their stay in their homes.
I guess I was more so disturbed because we all have jobs to get to and right now with this economy that we are in and educated folks with several degrees are jobless.
While I love family, on either side and I love entertaining and having company over. Its a time and a place for everything. This makes me question whether or not I can actually tolerate having a nanny in my home for a year (which would be his other first cousin who is like his sister). My husband has a first cousin who is an excellent nanny and she is his age. She has been the nanny to his brothers three children and we were anticipating having her come here at some point with our family planning process, but not necessarily for the adoption due to the lack of preparation with an adoption. She generally lives with them during the week and goes home to her apartment on the weekend. You never know when it is going to happen. We would have to schedule having her move down and have her preschooler set up in school. She told me that she was actually ready for a change in terms of moving when we spoke about it a year ago. So, there are other dynamics that have to be considered in her defense.
I actually believe that I can tolerate having her live with us because I know her very well and she is an excellent nanny, housekeeper and she would be here with us for a purpose to assist us with our child. It gives me something to think about. However, I truly believe that having her live in with us as a nanny would be great knowing you would not have to take your baby out. Our initial goal was to have the basement completed so that none of us would get on each others nerves!
6 comments:
Looks like the cousin left in peace which was good for everyone it seems... It was a temporary situation and she needs something more permanent. Sometimes a few days turn into a few months.
I agree with you on having the other cousin move in to help. It will be a relief to know you don't have to take your baby to a stranger or to a day care. Preschools for toddlers are fine but I don't like day cares for babies.
You are right Angela, she did leave in peace. I hesitated posting what I posted but its life, and its going on in my life. It was just weird, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
Everything that I post can not be all peachy, because life isn't perfect. I never want to get caught in a situation where we are caught out there with a house guest for an unexpected amount of time unless someone lost their job due to lay off or something bad happened to where they could not work.
Yes, his cousin that is a nanny is good. It is just a timing thing with us.
I actually have an in home person set up as a back up plan. It is my girlfriend's mother who has always been a home maker and kept 1 child at a time. Now, she has just keeps her grand kids 1 at a time when needed. I totally trust her mother and both of her parents are retired as well. The baby may be a little lap happy if we have to use her, but she will be well taken care of. She is my god daughters grandmother and she kept my god daughter for the first year of her life.
I would probably ease my way into daycare around 7-9 months just for the socialization factors that are big for me and working on critical skills that emerge around that time. I may opt to do daycare 2-3 days a week at that time and then in home the other couple of days until a year old. This is the plan if his cousin is not here with us.
K, I'm glad it all worked out in the end. You were wise not to relinquish any keys/codes as they can make a temporary situation feel too comfortable and more permanent. You were kind to open your home in the first place! Though not the same, but on topic, after my grandma moved north in the 60's her home became the jumping off point for many a family member who followed as they established themselves and built their future. Though her door was always open, she didn't hesitate to let someone know when it was time to go! LOL
Thanks Tricia,
It is a sensitive situation, or it could have been.
You are right, many people like your grandmother did that to help others back in the day up north. That was very common among our people. Many times couples or families would live with relatives for over a year or until they could really get established. Thats why I feel that their generation were so much closer than ours and really supported one another through those rough times.
I know of families who left their children elsewhere so that they did not have to drag them with them living in relatives homes. They would often leave the children with relatives in their country or where they were from and then send for them once they (the couple were established). This was very common among people from the West Indies as well. The rationale was that it is easier to stay with someone as a couple than with 2-3 children in addition to you and your spouse.
My parents did the same thing for others when I was growing up. Family members and extended family members who were just getting out of school, looking for a job, just married, divorced or unexpected circumstances. I wouldn't say that it was a revolving door, but they did their share of opening their home up to others.
I do not have a problem helping out my people or other close friends, but there still has to be rules or boundaries established. We are in a different age and time now. I definitely try to remember where I came from and what my family promotes, and at the same time use my common sense so I do not get caught in a sticky situation.
I remembered when I first decided to move to NY after grad school, I had a lot of family up there. I stayed with my great aunt on the weekends when I would fly up to look for housing. She wanted me to stay with her until I got on my feet. However, I found a place on my second visit and then when I returned in a few weeks, I had my own brownstone apartment. I wanted to live on my own, although I had family members all over NYC and surrounding areas. It was good to know that I had that support and everyone was checking on me, but I wanted my own place.
Your mission (to open your home) was accomplished no matter how it "appears" to have ended. You have done well in your service of sharing what the LORD blessed you with. Yes, you have to use discretion and discernment as a wise woman...so to look back and try to figure out anything is taking away from God getting glory in your willing to give.
Run with the blessing of sharing and don't look back on the "what if" moments. Continue to prepare for the future by being at peace with the present---You did well!
Thank you Soror.
I appreciate your words of wisdom. Sometimes I do wonder too much and I should just let it be!
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