Oh my gosh....
A close friend and I had a conversation over the weekend and it moved the discussion into an incident that occurred over the holidays regarding adoption language. Many times as adoptive parents or future adoptive parents feel that an uncomfortable moment my take place generally out in the streets, when actuality, it can take place right within your own family and or extended family.
In short, someone asked her on Christmas, "when was the last time you talked to X's mom." My friend said she handled it with grace and asked her, "who are you talking about?", to get her to rephrase it in a more appropriate way.
I was actually burning inside myself when this was shared with me and I wondered why would a person or family member say such an inappropriate thing at a holiday get together, and let alone, label "mom" instead of birthmom, when a young adoptive child currently knows their adoptive mom as their mother.
This could happen to any adoptive parent, and we have to educate our family and friends so that we do not have unnecessary, uncomfortable moments or inappropriate talk around a young child about their adoption, when the adoptive parents may not have shared this with the child yet, if the child is older.
These instances can take place at family functions or anywhere. Sometimes it is due to ignorance and sometimes it is done out of spite, or a combination of both.
After we had that conversation about the conversation that took place, I decided I would share some of the helpful information on my blog that was shared with us with our agency when we did our orientation. These situations can be addressed by sharing with family and friends who are not familiar with appropriate adoption language and to break others from making inappropriate statements.
Whether it is an international adoption or domestic adoption, any of these weird or uncomortable moments may take place. I know all of us may have family members or extended family/friends who are "old school" and use old school adoption terminology and may not even be aware that they are being somewhat intrusive.
The training that we had indicated that:
"The words we use convey a great deal about what we think and value. When we use Positive Adoption Language, we are saying that adoption, like birth, is a way to build a family. Choosing Positive Adoptive language helps to dispel the myths and misconceptions about adoption. Adoption may be a second choice but it is never considered second best."
In short, someone asked her on Christmas, "when was the last time you talked to X's mom." My friend said she handled it with grace and asked her, "who are you talking about?", to get her to rephrase it in a more appropriate way.
I was actually burning inside myself when this was shared with me and I wondered why would a person or family member say such an inappropriate thing at a holiday get together, and let alone, label "mom" instead of birthmom, when a young adoptive child currently knows their adoptive mom as their mother.
This could happen to any adoptive parent, and we have to educate our family and friends so that we do not have unnecessary, uncomfortable moments or inappropriate talk around a young child about their adoption, when the adoptive parents may not have shared this with the child yet, if the child is older.
These instances can take place at family functions or anywhere. Sometimes it is due to ignorance and sometimes it is done out of spite, or a combination of both.
After we had that conversation about the conversation that took place, I decided I would share some of the helpful information on my blog that was shared with us with our agency when we did our orientation. These situations can be addressed by sharing with family and friends who are not familiar with appropriate adoption language and to break others from making inappropriate statements.
Whether it is an international adoption or domestic adoption, any of these weird or uncomortable moments may take place. I know all of us may have family members or extended family/friends who are "old school" and use old school adoption terminology and may not even be aware that they are being somewhat intrusive.
The training that we had indicated that:
"The words we use convey a great deal about what we think and value. When we use Positive Adoption Language, we are saying that adoption, like birth, is a way to build a family. Choosing Positive Adoptive language helps to dispel the myths and misconceptions about adoption. Adoption may be a second choice but it is never considered second best."
I will post the Positive and Negative Language for Adoption Language given to us by our agency.
6 comments:
Hey Patience,
I've discoverd some people are just ignorant..not in a mean way, they just don't have any tact but
you're right others are just miserable and mean.
As adoptive parents, I think we have to toughen up to prepare for stupidity. Someone who knows you befor the adoption may be bound to say something they shouldn't. Why? I don't know...again foolishness and mayhem.
However, I also draw the line when it comes to what's said to my child, in front of my child, and about my child. At some point I will tell my child they are adopted. I'm thinking as soon as they are able to understand if they aren't already old enough to comprehend this. I would hate to "tear up" somebody for doing that to my family.
I already fear one miserable relative or her offspring trying something like that on purpose. We probably won't have much contact not even on holidays until my child knows and accepts she's adopted. I don't care if it's 10 years later.
Angela,
I feel you girl! My girlfriend and I talked about this for 2 hours or more on Monday. I was like wow. I mean, like she and I discussed, sometimes even family members can become envious of adopted children when they are children that are thriving and doing well and the only thing that they know how to do is start up mess.
Like you said, even when family members know a little history and know that you adopted, it is so not appropriate to try to put people on blast by attempting to bust their bubble because they seem to be doing well and the children are doing great and receiving all kinds of attention by other family members.
It was disturbing to me when we talked about it, but it is reality because while we worry about the strangers asking weird things, most "secrets" are revealed right at our own family functions.
I know this is an area that requires patience for me because I am an upfront and honest person and I don't sugar coat stuff. However, there is a time and place for everything and discussing certain things at certain places is off limits---period.
I would definitely have to make it a teaching moment.
I have considered giving some literature out to our family members just for educational purposes. However, adoption is not anything new in our family and we really have not had anyone saying or doing anything inappropriately.
The babies are welcomed in and no one discusses that kind of stuff unless the parent brings up the topic and is talking about an issue. Actually, to be honest, we kind of forget when a child is adopted because they become one of us and thats it.
Like you said, and my girlfriend said as well, we will always find that person family or extended family that will try to remind you that your situation is different and try to belittle the situation, as sad as it sounds. I will deal with it accordingly.
I would just prefer to make it clear the first time so that I would not have to have a "come to Jesus talk" again with the person. It can really create a bad situation when something like that happens.
I hate cutting people off from my life, but hey, sometimes you have to do it to protect yourself or your innocent child and to teach them a lesson.
I hope that your person's heart and spirit will change during your journey so when your daughter arrives it will be a sense of peace for everyone!
I get this all the time, Questions about his Birth Mother & what was his "situation" like or "why was he put up for adoption" It's crazy how ignorant people can be & family members, lol! Or just the people in public, the stares are always nice. You can actually see their wheels turning in their head, lol. I was so taken back when the comments came my way in the beginning & now I can answer with confidence & can educate. In the beginning I was a new frightened Mom of an 20 month old. Trying to get by day to day & was thrilled to say I adopted him when approached, but now it's old & none of people's business & it's his story, not mine! So I am careful w/ what I say & not to offend as well. Every situation is different, but I love to educate on the subject of adoption, b/c it's my passion!
Thanks Ali,
It is amazing how adults act. I am also trying to prepare myself not to jump the gun and say too much or shut down and become too because I am shocked by a question out of the blue. I am hoping to have a balance so that when we receive our baby, I will be comfortable with what we are going to say.
We actually did an exercise in the training about practicing beforehand what we should say to "inquiring minds" when you get your baby. It was thought provoking and very realistic.
The person running the session asked me out of the blue before we started that part of the training could she see my wallet and my checkbook! I said, huh? I think that I became warm and red a little in the cheeks. I hesitated, and I said no, why?
She said, thats how it is and how you should be when someone asks you personal things regarding your child's birthstory. I thought that was a great analogy.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. It is so much that we all go through or will go through as adoptive parents, period.
This experience taught me that I must have my children who are adopted built up mentally and emotionally to deal with not just outsiders but family members who are not just ignorant but insensitive to the words they use. Angela, I feel you we have to be that advocate and front line person for our children. Even if that means cutting some people off and I am prepared to do that if necessary. Because it is personal and it is the childs story after the process of adoption is finalized.
Kendral,
You are so right. We have to build up their self-esteem so that it really doesn't bother them when people make ignorant comments around them or towards them.
I guess I will go ahead and post about the incident that happened last week with the siblings identifying one another--I know you are wondering what took me so long to post it. I will post it today.
Girl, you need a blog! You have so much good experience with this and you have truly helped us (especially me) through our process.
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