I do not post a lot, however, I post whenever I can. I have a few adoptive parents who follow and blog buddies that I have met who follow. By no means do I have a great following, however, I am cool with that. This is my blog and my account for how our process has gone. I pondered with closing my blog to private readers 6 months ago, however, my husband told me to leave it open so others could see that we (African Americans) are adopting. Now, I am having second thoughts again.
It is interesting how these "anonymous" posters stand behind anonymous. If it bugs someone to read someone else's blog then do not go to their site. It is that simple.
I received an anonymous comment (under Updates) about 12:43 am this morning that was moderated through my blog settings and sent to my email address. This person that posted was not nasty in their comment. However, it got a little bit under my skin because this is my blog and I can write what I feel like writing on "my blog".
I have adoption blog buddies who are interested in knowing about our process since we have waited for a little while and I DON'T have to talk in codes as to why I did not accept a referral. Many people have experienced the same thing and thats what the community is out there for.
Going through an adoption process is just like going through a pregnancy for many people. You do not know what you are going to experience or encounter along the way. It is an experience, but, everyone's labor is a little different.
I am not offended when people say they would never adopt domestically for this and that reason etc... and I am not offended when people say that they would never adopt internationally and prefer one over the other. It is their opinion. I have also seen some serious and pretty candid conversations on other adoption sites, and again, it is peoples choices to put what they want to put regarding their experiences or choices.
Their anonymous comment was in reference to me giving information about a referral call that we received a few weeks ago that we did not show our profile. I did not give personal information on the people we knew, I did not post pictures of the friends or the baby and I did not state what agency we were with. I merely stated my concerns as a potential adoptive parent that was apart of the referral call.
Yes, the twister was that friends of ours ended up taking the referral, and that is life and that is a great thing. It still doesn't mean that I can't be real and truthful about why we didn't want to be shown. We were upfront with these same friends later when we saw each other last weekend and talked about referrals.
The same friends are very real and upfront as well. When we were initially in the ET program and encouraging them to adopt over a year ago, the husband told us in short "to be careful adopting from there because he felt like the babies from there had a genetic makeup of bones that may lead to problems later on in life due to their small/fragile bone structure and them being small in nature?" We were not offended by it and unsure as to where he got the information, however, that didn't stop us from wanting to adopt from ET, it was his opinion. That's it, his opinion.
My purpose for starting my blog was to follow our process, feelings and encounters through this entire process as well as show other African American's that are interested in adopting that there are many of us adopting. My blog talks about the Good, Bad and the Ugly with adoption and life and it just does not paint a pretty picture to give people a false impression of the process. I am a realist. Period. I have shared certain personal things about myself and through sharing you meet other people who share similar circumstances and may be helpful in some way. We learn from each other.
I enjoy reading the adoption blogs that are real and don't paint a fairy tale picture about the process or after they receive the baby. I appreciate the people who were real about their referral and stating how concerned they were about various things in their child's referral history when they initially heard it. I also appreciate people being real about bonding issues, parenting issues of transracial and regular stuff that comes up that is not all good.
It is My choice to post information about a referral that I was apart of. It is not like I wasn't apart of a referral. This information was given to me first hand just as it was given to the other families waiting. It would be a different story if I shared something that I wasn't apart of, however, that wasn't the case. I was very much apart of the process and I chose to share why we did NOT want to be shown, which is my business. I may not share every referral, however, I chose to share this one, and it was my right to share it. I am sure that we will have a far from perfect placement and I will share some things when that happens.
What I posted was far from a whole birth "story" of someone else's child, but only I would know that. It was some facts and my choice to post why we didn't decide to have our profile shown. None of this stuff is secret for those who know and understand the domestic adoption process.
I have seen several large adoption agencies post all of the moms and babies medical history along with the cost of the adoption on their web page open for anyone to see who is visiting the site.
I have talked to a few friends who are adoptive parents, some have blogs and a few do not have blogs who also have concerns about wanting to post their true Raw feelings on subjects. However, the point is that if you have a blog, you should be able to share what you want to share on your blog good or bad without feeling like someone has to throw an "adoption blog bible" at you for sharing your personal feelings. No one should have to "tip toe" on their own blog.
This is life and this is what we have to deal with it. Everyone knows that there are different circumstances for a child being adopted anyway. Yes, it is the parent's choice to share their child's entire birth story with others. I only shared a tiny portion of why we chose not to be shown. It was far from the child's entire birth story.
I also feel like we shouldn't have to make our blogs private due to ignorant people or over sensitive people who have nothing more to do than visit blogs and cowardly put their opinion when it is not asked.
So, Dear, Anonymous, Thank you for reminding me to switch to another site where I can control people who are easily offended by someone else's choice or to seriously consider closing my blog to private readers, so that I can avoid having to deal with foolishness on my own blog and freely express myself. I am sorry that you felt like I was sharing someone else's child whole birth story, but that was not the case.
No, I am not apologizing for sharing my true feelings as to why we did not want to be shown. I was also very happy that the baby found a forever family in my post.
Please do me a favor, please do not put my blog address in your web browser, it is that easy. Again, it is my blog and I can and will share what I feel led to share.
Sincerely,
Sweet P.
29 comments:
Aww, I'm sorry you have to deal with the infamous "anonymous" posters. I don't know why people feel the need to come and state their opinions on other people's blogs, especially when they are not faithful readers and do not know one bit about you. :( I hope you and lil Miss are doing well. I was going to email you and ask you a question regarding Alayah's speech. It's stressing me out lol
Wow, I can't imagine reading about someone's medical history on an open web page. Not saying it's wrong or anything, just that our agency was very hush hush about those details. It's interesting to see how different agencies handle different things.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the things I post about. I have been told numerous times that I focus on race too much but it's a part of our lives and if I find something of interest that I want to share I share. I'm learning that it's my blog and what I share might help someone so I share it. And I can control what comments are posted, I like that!! Although I have never had to not post any with the exception of the annoying spam ones I've been getting lately.
So sorry you received a hurtful comment. I hope you don't go private. I'm waiting to celebrate with you when you match comes.
Okay, I'm running in with my 08cents to slam on the table! You were NOT sharing someone else's story--you were sharing YOUR story that in the end, just so happens to have involved another couple--S.I.M.P.L.E.
Keep your blog open, keep it real--because yes, PAP need to know the stories that involve adoption. Stories that aren't fast and easy, stories that don't make good read but damn-sho make reality, stories that encourage anyone who's considering the journey to understand that is isn't for the faint at heart, it isn't for the type A personality (lest they give up their controlling ways), that you have to guard your heart and not rush into a referral simply because you are fearful that you won't "get that chance againg". PAP and those thinking about adoption need to hear, see, read, listen to the journeys in order to make sound decisions that will not always include the "logical" because of what other's "think".
Lastly, yes, I am glad you have a blog so that it will encourage other American-Africans to adopt. We are wonderfully awesome at taking in our relative's children and downtrodden neighbor's children, but for some taboo reason, we hesitant to make the relationships of adoption our own.
Pick your Ivy back up (smiling at you)and keep moving forward until your blessing and gift is in your arms and you are humming "night-night" songs while standing over the bed in amazement---!!!
PS...again, Happy Belated Founders' Day!!!!!!!
Hey Kristy,
My blog is private and I couldn't be happier about it right now. I wish I would have done it months ago as well. To me, it seperates those who are really interested and supportive of me.
My story is unique because I'm also a recent emptynester. I realize most people can't relate, because they haven't reached that stage in life yet. Why torture myself with dogmatic comments? Not anymore.
People have various reasons for adopting children and come from different walks in life. Adoptive parents should realize that their story is INDIVIDUAL to them only.
Nevididi,
Thanks for stopping by! It is no biggie with this comment, I just wanted to address it because I see it all of the time on other places. We all go through different things and have different walks in life and should be able to express ourselves.
I saw your post about that. Email me and I will help you the best way that I can from my end. Don't get stressed out. There is a lot that you can do as a parent just as the therapist would do! We will talk, stay encouraged.
Hi Debbie,
Yes, there are a few out there who state the information. No names given or anything, but it does list the "situations". It just shows us there are not perfect situations all of the time and there is a baby for everyone.
Yes, I can imagine that you get that feedback regarding race, however, thats your life now and those things are important to you as a transracial family. It is indeed your right to share about your issues or your open adoption because it is your blog. I read your posts whenever I am on now, due to lack of time, however, I do not comment on everyone's posts, but I faithfully follow. Keep doing what you are doing. It is educating others!
Jebena,
You are always bringing the light to something that seems dark! Thank you for being open and honest. Yes, my goal was to keep the blog open to let others see a true process unfolding. It is different for each person. It was difficult to find other blogs of AA's 2 years ago when we were researching adopting. It is very enlightening to see others going through a process. It has not been an easy road for any of us, whether domestic or international. You are so right about AA's adopting outside of taking in family members. Hopefully that will change over the next few years. Thanks again for your wisdom!
Happy belated Founder's Day to you too!
Hi Angela,
I am sure that you understand, if anyone would understand. I wouldn't say that this was a hurtful comment, it was just something that I felt a need to address. You know what I mean?
I considered going private a good while back and then I considered switching sites. I am still contemplating on switching sites. I will let you know.
I am not on as regular as I used to be since I am juggling a few things right now. However, I was still reading your posts whenever I could get on. Sometimes I have the energy to post and sometimes I don't! However, I enjoy reading.
I am glad you are feeling more comfort with your private blog. I hate that you had to do that too because you were passionate and consistent with your posting. My postings are far and few between now, however, I plan to try to post at least once a week or every other week (maybe). Thanks for listening to my vent. I try not to on here, however, sometimes you just have to because it is life!
My email address is at the top of my blog page.
Girl. Thanks for keeping it real. I personally am not in the adoption process as of yet but everyone's blogs help prepare me in some way of things that I may face in the future.
Going private I don't feel is such a bad thing. But it is a shame that you would have to.
When I read post on blog and I don't necessarily agree with what they are saying or don't really have a clear understanding of what they are trying to say I dont comment. I also know that everything that is posted on a blog is not meant for someone to comment on.
You remember when you were a kid and you had to say forget them because you could curse.
Forget Them.
Kristy, I couldn't have said it any better! I am an adoptive parent that is VERY familiar with the "realness" of adoption. So I appreciate where you are coming from. It just amazes me that pregnant woman are allowed to share whatever details they want about their pregnancy but such topics about OUR journey are taboo.
Don't change a thing about your blog or what you right. This is about YOUR journey! And as I have said before, if they don't like what they read, then they can go somewhere else :)
Love ya girlie!
I know this isn't my blog, but kmr, you have class....plain and simple.
KMR,
Thanks for commenting. I really appreciate it! You are right, you have to forget them! I remember using that saying back in the eighties!
I am glad that you are finding some of the information on our blogs out here helpful. I believe that we should not sugar coat everything and talk in codes. Many times potential adoptive parents read and stalk blogs for months before they make a decision. Allowing people to see the real side of adoption is helpful in preparing PAP for the process.
You are right, some times when people post things, they are not meant for comments. This was not one of them, but I do know what you mean.
Thanks again for commenting as always! I always appreciate your comments and responses. I can't wait until you begin your process. You will be a great mom.
Nakira,
Thank you for always being real and sharing your journey. Your realness on your original blog is what connected us over a year ago and we have become friends through what started in cyberspace.
You and I have had countless conversations about another topic as well that seems to be taboo (fertility issues) in the African American community as well and it should not be that way. Knowledge is definitely powerful.
You are right, there are things that we should be able to share without walking on egg shells.
I don't share things on my blogs to hurt anyone or to put anyone or anything down. I am merely sharing my feelings as we go through a very emotional process.
There are always going to be people out there who are not going to agree with what we say no matter what and will always have something negative to say. Some people are just "contrary" as my grandmother used to say and I have learned not to let that stop me in life. Everyone has their own issues and we can't change them.
What I do know is that I want to share this journey with others who may be interested and there may be things that I leave out if I did not document our process and my feelings. This blog has allowed me to show the different emotions and areas of growth that I have experienced since beginning.
Thanks again for always showing your support and concern and being true regardless.
Luv ya too!
Angela,
It is not a problem. You know I do not mind the comments on my blog! Yes, KMR is a very sweet young lady and very level headed. I agree with you too.
I'm so sorry the anonymous commenters even exist! I have been in this exact same situation--to go private or not? Ultimately I chose to stay public but you need to do what's best for YOU. All I can say is that you need to be your authentic self on your blog, and no one should be able to take that away from you.
Hi Anne,
Thanks for stopping by. I know that you can relate. We have had little conversations about private blogs in the past.
You are correct, I do need to remain true to myself. I am not for sure where I am going with keeping this open, switching sites or eventually closing it to select readers. For now, I am fine with it, however, I think I am going to work on switching things over to another site in the near future. I will keep you posted.
wow! I read your post a/b the referral and I from the recent post I would have never thought any thing of it! It is awful that someone would comment on your post in such a negative way or tone!
I have also thought of making my blog private once my girls are home. I never have had a negative post made on my blog before, but it seems lately, folks are running wild w/the insulting comments. I am sorry you had to go thru that, I know this is a very hard and difficult time in your life, b/c of all the decisions that have to made so we are united w/our child/children, and in no shape or form should any one have the right to judge us or leave ugly comments.
I hope you do keep your blog open, I have enjoyed reading it, and I have to tell you, when I started the process of adopting there were only 2 African American blogs I found! Within the last year they have grown, but we do need to see that there are othesr like us adopting, and its ok!, we are doing it and so can you!!!
I know your mind is made up, if you make your blog private pls consider inviting me!
Kristy, I proud that you're open regarding fertility and family planning. It needs to be discussed, and I'm glad that you're real about it. Whatever you decide will be a good decision your you.
My blog has turned into more of a journal and because of it certain aspects need to be private. I'm guilty about discussing family members and how their opinions affect me at times. I've had a lot of flack for different reasons since starting this process from family. Mostly, it's been because a few are angry about their situations. I'm learning to seperate myself and move forward to what I want, thru posting. I never use names. I hope I'm not putting them down, but being honest. I hope not anyway. I do worry though. lol.
Celeste,
Thank you for understanding and sharing your story. Whew, of all people, you truly know the wait and the struggle with adoption, however, it is all worth it in the end.
You are right, there were only a couple of blogs out there and now there are several AA's blogs. That is one reason why my hubby told me to keep it open or to switch to a site where I could control who sees my private postings when I only wanted certain friends to see my posts. I may do that soon.
I will definitely let you know either way and invite you if it becomes private. You do the same! I am so happy for you and I have followed your journey for a long time as well. I will be thrilled when your girls are home with you!
We still hope to get to Ethiopia in the future when all of our current things are taken care of. Et is still in my heart, it always was. We were just following where we believed we were led for some reason. I believe we will get to Ethiopia in the next couple of years.
Hi Angela,
Thanks! I was a very, very private person prior to beginning this process and I am still private.
It's not fair for me to gain knowledge about particular things from reading other peoples blogs and not "pay it forward" by sharing a little about my journey and other things that come up in life along the way.
People are always welcome to email me if they want to know a little more or if they share similar stories. I receive a lot of emails supporting me through this journey and just concerned or sharing similar circumstances.
I understand why you went private and that is your right. You don't have to explain to anyone. I feel like this blog is like a journal for me as we go through this lengthy process.
Thanks Kristi and Angela.
Hi,
I've been reading your blog and am now an official follower! Sorry to read about the negative comments of one person not brave enough to post their identity.
As an African American woman working through the process of adoption, I appreciate your blog. In the beginning of my adoption blog research, I didn't find many blogs written by AA women. In addition to your blog, I also follow several that are written by women who have adopted trans-racially, domestically, and internationally.
This is your space to write what you feel. Please keep your blog public so that others may share in and encourage you through your journey.
JBA,
Thank you for visiting and thanks for following our journey.
I am pleased to know that my little blog has helped someone on the journey in some sort of way.
Yes, I will continue to keep my blog open for now and I may eventually just move it to another site. So, for now, we will be here. I have tough skin and I realize that we all have our own quirks and we all have different experiences during our journey. You are right, this is my space to journal those experiences while helping others.
Thanks again for your support and feedback. I am looking forward to hearing about your journey as well. Please let me know if there is anything that I can help you with regarding the process.
Kristy,
Don't take anonymous comments to heart, some people can just be down right cruel. Just from following your blog, I can tell that you are a very sweet person! I'm so glad that you were open with this comment though. The adoption process is unique for every family. A very important part of the process is what adoption situtions you and your family are open to and what is right for your family. Adoption is a life time commitment and if you are not comfortable with a referral presented, then by all means, you should not proceed in that particular situation, but on the other hand, it doesn't mean that another family isn't perfect for this baby. Many blessings! Carol
Thanks Carol!
I just wanted to show a little of the realness on my blog with what we go through. It is not all sugar and spices all of the times. You are so right, there is a baby for everyone and we all experience different things! Thanks for commenting. Your kids are growing and are beautiful!
We've all been there. Those "Anonymous" comments can certainly get under your skin. You are so wise to stay true to your gut feelings. We should talk. I lost your number. Shoot me an email at patfearley@yahoo.com
Pat
Hi Pat!
Thanks for commenting!
Whew, you have been with me from the beginning and You were my first and #1 inspiration and real person to talk to when we first researched. I can only help but wonder if we would have stayed in the program, we would have been to ET and back with our baby girl already. It was a really difficult decision to make and I questioned myself daily as well as questioned God to make sure that we were going the right way when we pulled out. My heart is still there, but we were trying to be obedient, to say the least and not just listen to the flesh.
Anyway, I will email you tonight so that you can have my number again and we can reconnect. I will have to update you on some things :-). Thanks again for emailing. We definitely need to talk and hopefully get together soon.
So glad you did not go private - I love your blog and all you have to share. You share so openly and I have tuned my blog down a bit - sharing less because of these exact issues. It's a hard decision.
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