Sharing a little....
Monday I had an interesting conversation with a co-workers mother. The mother happened to be with the daughter helping her move some things out of her office to go home since she is also expecting. I remembered my co-worker telling me that her mother did foster care for about 30 years and helped families with placements and adjustments.
One conversation led to another and we were talking about adoption and fostering to adopt children and I wanted to share this to get some feedback.
Towards the end of the conversation, she brought up something interesting. She said that if you ever decide to get a baby, toddler or young child, try to see if they give the current care giver eye contact when we were talking about some concerns that I had. She stated that it would be the "tell tell" story of what kind of bonding issues the child has. She said that we should not assume that just because the child is the home with a parent or family that they have actually "bonded".
My biggest concerns were, what if you bring a baby/child home and they cry so much because they are aware that they are in a different surrounding and they miss the old home. I knew there would be an adjustment period, but it also concerns me. So, assured me, that behavior is normal and you want that to happen because it is natural and that means that they formed a bond/relationship with the previous caregiver or family. They will eventually move forward and trust the new parents.
She said the concern is when they come and they do Not cry, will not look at you and nothing that you do can soothe them. She said that many newly adoptive parents experience this and it is frustrating for the parents and she has seen in her 30 years of helping with agencies that some parents have a change in heart when they see these kinds of issues arise once the new one comes in the home, without giving it a chance or seeking help.
However, there are things that the new parents can do to help this baby or child adjust and sometimes counseling may be necessary for older children with non "attachment" issues. Meaning that they really do not trust anyone and they have been here and there and have not bonded. In some cases, babies or children have been with only one care givers, however, they still did not bond with that caregiver.
My coworker also knew that I had a little one living with me for a few months and I talked about her "Sunshine" for a few minutes. Interestingly enough, we knew that the child did not bond with her mother for a few reasons and she would easily go with others and not want to necessarily go home. When she moved with us, it was no issues at all, she moved right in just as if she had been living with us without sleep issues or anything, and she never asked for her mother.
Yes, she knew us because we are like family to her, but it was not like she saw us daily because we lived out of state, but she saw us as safe people and we cared for her as my parents did when they kept them. I created a routine and I made her look at me when we talked to her. When she initially arrived she would look up at the ceiling or away. We had that taken care of in a week with reinforcement for eye contact. By the time that she ended up leaving us, it was a serious bond and connection with all of us and she did not want to go and it literally crushed my heart. However, we knew that we had empowered her to communicate better so that she could tell someone if something happened to her and she experienced for a short period of time living in a household with love, trust, consistency, rules and structure and she really needed all of that. Although we were sad to let her go back with her mother, we knew that her life was changed for the bit of time she resided with us and she hasn't forgotten everything that she was taught and exposed to here.
We set expectations for her and rewarded her for good behavior as well as addressed the poor behavior. We explained everything to her because that was not done before. We wanted her to be able to advocate for herself because she came to us afraid to talk or speak up and very timid. Within 2 weeks, she had transformed into a new child. I knew that we were doing well because the first week of preschool she literally tried to cry when I left and she Never cried for her mother in the past for anything or did not ask for her, and to be honest, when her mom picked her up from my parents and other places, they cried not to go home and we knew there was a few bonding issues there early on. So, I knew that I had to create a safe haven for her and teach her what trusting was about.
In the conversation with the co-workers mother, she advised me that just because the person had the baby or child in their care does not mean that they bonded well and the child could possibly have attachment or bonding issues and may lead to other issues as they get older if not resolved and may require professional counseling on the parents part if they notice these issues. She said that she had some of the worse cases while being active with the foster care and helping other families. She says these children will end up with major issues growing up if the issue is not noticed and addressed early on and detected first.
I can not imagine having one of my children whether biological or adopted growing up in a sterile environment where we have not truly created a bond. It takes more than just sheltering them, feeding them, and buying for them to connect with a child. What she said made a lot of sense and her 30 plus years in the system fostering kids and helping other families adopt spoke volumes. Sometimes it is the simple things that we overlook that can cause the most discomfort and problems later. Believe it or not, I have not seen extreme cases of this, but I have noticed some "kind of sterile" relationships with kids and parents, almost as if the parents did not know how to show love to the child and it seems like they didn't know how to hold a child and nurture them as babies. Hey, I just took it as a different parenting style, not knowing that this could be bonding issues.
Are these the kids that we see now older in elementary school and middle school that thrive for attention from those motherly figures who are nurturing and cause problems in their own way when their needs are not met?
Were these the kids who never seemed to be able to put a smile on their face as babies or toddlers for just about any pictures and always seemed sterile? I don't know, but it makes me think a little bit more about things right up under our noses that are often looked over.
I knew about the eye contact and all of that because children need to be nurtured and held and know that they can trust you, especially if they are coming into your home from another home or caregiving situation. She spoke about one situation where the child was a toddler, however the child had 8 different foster families within a span of 16 months. How can a child adjust with this, and it would truly be hard to trust someone. Her suggestion was to parents who experienced this was to hold the child almost in an infant position even if they are not longer an arm baby and look into their eyes while you are holding them and feeding them to create that nurturing connection.
She also stated that this is something serious that a lot of adoptive families or foster families do not pay attention to and it has been cases where parents really wanted to back out of adoptive situations due to receiving children with these nurturing issues.
She also encouraged me in the future to adopt a child in like a toddler or preschooler and not to be afraid of a sibling group (baby and toddler) because the preschooler will definitely need a lot of attention and she gave her explanation of how wonderful a bond would be with taking in a baby with an older sibling and how she has seen over the years of how that older sibling really appreciates and will understand the love it took to keep them together. I thought it was interesting and she said that I have already proven that I can do it and she heard the things in my conversation about what a child needs when they transition into your home and some of the difficulties experienced in the beginning.
I told her that I never would have considered adopting or fostering a preschooler before helping out our family situation earlier this year. It was not an interest of mine. However, I found that they are shapable and really what they need is prayer, love, structure and consistency and a lot of time to invest in the beginning. I do not know if I will ever do it, but I used to be afraid of adopting or fostering any child older than 1 year because I felt that they would come with their own personality and way of thinking that may reject our household and possibly be a huge problem. However, my thinking is a little different now. We may consider that a good ways down the road, when we are finished with everything else that we have going on here in the present.
However, it is good to hear the experiences and advice from those who advocate for adoption and have so much love and wisdom in their life through their journey. I know that mental health counseling is becoming a very big thing now and people are learning to get help because they need help.
It is just something to think about and I wanted to share it. Has anyone ever experienced this concern or what are your thoughts? It definitely is something that we all should be aware of.
Please feel free to share your thoughts or experiences....
